


Undine

by rikke



Category: Free!
Genre: Implied Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei, M/M, Semi-Established SouRin, Side Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-09 20:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4363361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikke/pseuds/rikke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between graduating high school and starting uni in Australia, Rin had a three month break, so in the meantime, he followed Sousuke to Tokyo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The difference between the school systems meant that Rin didn't actually have to be in Australia until the very end of July. So with three months off, when Sousuke moved back to Tokyo in mid-March, it just seemed natural to go with him.

Rin heard the squeak of the apartment door open before he heard Sousuke's deep, "I'm back."

"Welcome home," he said.

It was an easy move. The high school Sousuke had been attending before Samezuka didn't have dorm rooms, so he'd rented his own small flat, which he'd apparently kept even after he transferred so they'd moved back in post-graduation.

"Dinner's almost ready," Rin said, dropping another piece of breaded pork cutlet into the frying pan with a pair of chopsticks. "How was class?" he embarked on the now-usual string of questions.

"Good," Sousuke said. "The econ prof recommended a couple of books I want to check out. Feel like going to Maruzen tomorrow? I have the afternoon off."

"Sure." Rin pulled out the piece of pork and dropped in another. "How was physical therapy?"

"Good."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sousuke roll his shoulder and the fabric of his T-shirt bunch up against the brace that was now a near-permanent fixture.

"Sou--"

"Really, my nurse said if I don't strain it, it should heal in a couple of months," Sousuke said. He wore the brace all the time now except for showers. "Maybe by the time you leave, I'll be able to swim again." His tone was light.

Rin bit his lip and turned back to the food. "Then help set the table," he said.

It was a tiny studio apartment so Sousuke had even had to buy an extra chair for the table that doubled as both desk and dining table when Rin moved in. Sousuke had suggested ordering a bunk bed in lieu of the futon he used, but the fourth-story apartment was only just bigger than their old Samezuka dorm room, and Rin was leaving in three months so they'd just gotten an additional futon set instead. Whoever had designed the apartment had clearly tried to conserve space as much as possible, and Rin was never sure whether they'd succeeded or not. The kitchen was shaped like a long, narrow hallway at one end of the apartment with barely two feet of space between the stove in front of him, and sink and cabinets behind him. At the far end of the apartment, there was a storage closet and bathroom. The rest of the studio was just square, open space currently filled with the table, a tall floor lamp, a shoe rack, a rolling garment rack, and a full-length mirror that Rin had insisted on getting.

Between the two of them, they had few possessions, and the flat still felt crowded. The only saving grace was the small balcony that looked into the courtyard where a glimmering pool was below. At the time, it made perfect sense that Sousuke would choose an apartment with its own private pool. Now, Rin drew the blinds before Sousuke came home every night.

Sousuke shuffled into the narrow kitchen, reaching around Rin to open the cabinets and pull out two pairs of chopsticks and sets of bowls. His hand brushed Rin's hip as he leaned over Rin's shoulder to look in the pot.

"Tonkatsu?" Sousuke said. Rin could hear the smile. "You made a lot."

Rin glanced at the small mountain of fried pork cutlet piled onto a plate next to him. "Yeah, hopefully that'll be enough to satisfy you," he said. "I'm pretty sure you're done growing now--where the hell do you put it all?" He jabbed Sousuke in the side with the chopsticks.

"Hey, I just washed this shirt," Sousuke said, turning to open the rice cooker and scooping out equal portions for each bowl.

Rin rolled his eyes. "Don't forget the sauce," he added. "We're also running low on miso--if we're going shopping tomorrow, we need to pick some up."

By the time the table was set, Rin could hear Sousuke's stomach growling, so with a quick "Itadakimasu," they dug in. Predictably, the tonkatsu disappeared in the black hole that was Sousuke's stomach. Rin more or less watched his diet as an athlete, but with the amount of calories he burned per day, he still had a decent appetite--it was nothing compared to Sousuke's, though, and the guy was still legendary as the man with the perfect athlete's body at Samezuka. Rin knew Sousuke worked hard--even harder than Rin which was what had led to this whole series of problems now--but builds like Sousuke's more or less came down to unfair genetics.

"This is really good," Sousuke said, reaching for the last piece of tonkatsu.

Rin slapped his hand away. "That's your lunch," he said. Between Sousuke's physical therapy and Rin soon to leave for Australia, he figured the least he could do in three months was make sure that Sousuke more or less ate healthy. Rin was not quite so kind-hearted as to get up at 5 a.m. to pack Sousuke a fresh bento, though, so it normally meant sending him off with whatever was left over from dinner the night before.

"That's it?" Sousuke asked.

"You should have thought of that before you ate everything," Rin answered.

Then Sousuke raised his fist. "If I win, you pack me a new bento?"

Rin rolled his eyes and readied his fist.

Sousuke won and helped himself to the last piece of tonkatsu. "Can I get eel tomorrow?" he asked.

"Don't push your luck," Rin said, leaning back in his seat.

Sousuke laughed and got to his feet, stacking up the dishes to wash. If Rin cooked, Sousuke always did the dishes. Still, Rin helped wipe off the table and put the small desk-lamp back onto it for Sousuke's studying.

In the two weeks since Sousuke's semester at Tokyo U had started, they'd fallen into a routine. In the morning, they'd both get up early--Sousuke often only after Rin physically pulled the blankets off of him--and go jogging together around the neighborhood for an hour. Then Sousuke would shower as Rin made breakfast, and head off for his school commute for the day. Sousuke's typical day, as far as Rin was aware, was composed of classes and physical therapy--and the best thing about being at Tokyo U was that Sousuke's physio was also at the rehabilitation center at the university hospital.

Rin, meanwhile, had the day to himself which usually meant swimming in the courtyard pool all morning, and free time in the afternoon that he spent either cleaning, grocery shopping for the best limited deals, or wandering Shibuya for new music or clothes. He was always at home and making dinner before Sousuke got back.

Nights were spent together--Sousuke studying and Rin reading up on swimming or streaming random movies on his own laptop.

Rin usually laid out his own futon and went to sleep with Sousuke's desk-lamp still burning in the back of the room. Tonight, like every night, he drifted from deep sleep to a doze when he felt his covers lift and Sousuke slide in beside him.

Sousuke's lips brushed by his ear, and Rin sighed as Sousuke wrapped an arm around him, careful not to wake him completely. "Night," he felt Sousuke's chest rumble against his back as he sank back into sleep.

 

* * *

 

Most days, swimming was practice, training, more practice, and more training. Some days, Rin enjoyed cleaving through the water resistance, feeling it part before his fingers. But some days, Rin thought about the last time he’d lived in Australia, and how he might fall into a slump again. And on very rare days, he thought about how one day he would have to stop swimming competitively the way Sousuke already had. The human body was only created to handle so much. Rin didn’t need swimming, but he never considered anything else, because on the very best days, swimming was the fierce joy of living.

Without anyone clocking or competing against him, sometimes, Rin would run through his minimum routine--500-yard warmup, four butterfly sprints, four freestyle windsprints, another four butterfly sprints, 200-yard freestyle, 200 yard-butterfly, alternating sprints, and finally, a 500-yard warmdown. Usually, he’d take a break and then go into hendurance training or breathing rhythm or turning technique.

But some mornings, he’d let himself float in the center of the pool with the sun warm on his face, and nothing but the quiet splash of water against the pool sides. It never lasted more than ten minutes before he got restless and went back to training.

Always, in the back of his mind, he thought of how Haru was in another corner of Tokyo somewhere, probably in a pool and swimming too. He and Sousuke had only met up with Haru and Makoto a handful of times since they’d all moved to Tokyo, but with everyone except Rin busy with classes, he didn’t expect anything different.

Sometimes, Rin thought Haru was like Botticelli's Aphrodite, rising out of the sea fully formed like he’d been created out of ocean waves. He swam for pure oneness with water. At Rin’s best, he felt like he was swimming against the ocean current itself. For Haru, every time he left the water, it was like he was just waiting for the next time he could get back to where he belonged.

Sometimes, Rin wondered how Makoto dealt with the competition. He literally had to drag Haru from the water most days, but then, Haru was the one who had followed Makoto to Tokyo so maybe Makoto had nothing to compete against.

Sometimes, Rin wondered what it would be like to have an effortless relationship with something, someone that flowed as easily as Haru did with water, with Makoto. But what came effortless for Haru, Rin had always had to work for.

 

* * *

 

It took four stops and one line change to get to Maruzen, and on a Friday afternoon, it was crowded on the train. Rin was used to--though not particularly a fan of--hanging onto the overhead hand holds because every time the train braked, either he swung into other people, or they swung into him. With Sousuke about a head taller than everyone else on the train and an immovable boulder when he wanted to be, his hand on Rin's waist kept him in place and everyone else away. Although Rin was wearing both a T-shirt and a flannel over it, he could still feel the imprint of Sousuke's broad palm even after they got off the train.

Sousuke walked just slightly ahead of Rin as they made their way out of the metro stop, and Rin caught him by the wrist just before Sousuke made a turn toward the exit.

"Maruzen is literally in the same building as the metro stop," Rin said, slipping his hand down and into Sousuke's. "How are you so bad at directions? It's a miracle you can find your way to school every morning."

Sousuke grinned and shrugged, hand secure and warm around Rin's own. "For all you know, I don’t."

“You better be.” With their hands intertwined, Rin kneed Sousuke in the thigh. "Come on," he said.

Sousuke only dropped Rin's hand when he went to the counter to ask about his econ books and left Rin to browse the English section. The best part about English-language books was that Sousuke could barely write his own name in English, and if Rin bought the right books, Sousuke would never have to know the actual contents. In other words, Rin had a small collection of English romance novels including every Jane Austen novel that no one had to ever know about, which he surreptitiously added to every so often. Today, he selected a John Green, and added it to Sousuke's shopping basket, which, true to form, contained two books on economics and one on calculus.

"You don't want to get any shoujo manga books while we're here?" Sousuke asked, grinning, as they walked past that section, heading toward the cashier.

Rin glared at him. "Not funny," he said.

Sousuke chuckled anyway as they got in line. "Where do you want to go after this?" he asked.

Rin shrugged. "You're the one with the afternoon off. You choose."

So after the bookstore, they wandered around Tokyo, browsing a couple of clothing stores, throwing down for who was paying for food at the new okonomiyaki shop they found, and then stopping by a Marukai on the way back for a sale on fresh oranges.

It was night by the time they got back to the apartment, Sousuke carrying the bag of books using his good arm, and Rin holding the bag of oranges, and discussing exactly the level of catchy of Youkai Watch's ending song because it was stuck in both their heads after passing by a toyshop that was blasting it.

Sousuke didn’t have physical therapy on Saturdays, so Rin half expected it when they stepped back inside the apartment, and Sousuke's arms circled his waist. He stopped, still holding his bag of oranges, and felt Sousuke press his nose into the top of Rin's head. It never ceased to surprise him how, although Rin was a good 177cm tall, Sousuke could make him feel dwarfed like this.

"Can I?" Sousuke murmured, lips brushing against the skin on the back of Rin's neck.

Rin shivered and turned. He caught a glimpse of Sousuke's eyes, turned a blue so dark they were nearly black, right before he pressed their mouths together.

For all of Sousuke's stoic demeanor, he was the one to back Rin into the apartment until he nearly tripped over the small table, and then Sousuke flattened him against the vertical blinds of their balcony sliding door. The plastic blinds clattered, and Rin tried to maneuver them out of the way. Sousuke didn't move when he didn't want to, though, and apparently, he wanted Rin with the blinds digging into his back because he ignored all of Rin’s efforts to move them into a more comfortable position.

Rin felt Sousuke's hands tug his shirt loose and slip inside, huge fingers burning trails into his skin. Eventually, one of them gave out and they ended up on the floor, Sousuke between Rin's splayed legs, and then his fingers dragged Rin's zipper down, and Rin could only hold onto Sousuke's shoulders as sunset turned to dusk through the narrow slivers of light between the blinds at his back.

"Can I?" Sousuke asked again.

"Yes," Rin gasped, lips pressed against Sousuke's mouth, hands tangled in the short hairs at the back of his neck. "Yes, yes, yes."

 

* * *

 

Saturday morning, Rin woke to a an uncomfortable pressure against his cheek and when he blinked the sleep from his eyes, he realized his face was pressed up against Sousuke's shoulder brace. He must have made a noise because Sousuke shifted beneath him, and when he sat up, Sousuke's hand trailed down his side and he opened his eyes.

Sousuke looked disoriented and confused for a moment and his left hand moved to massage his shoulder, rolling it as he also sat up. One blanket covered the both of them and they hadn't even bothered to get either futon out. Rin didn't remember getting out the blanket, either, come to think of it. In fact, as far as he could tell, they were both entirely naked except for Sousuke's brace and the blanket.

Rin followed Sousuke's hand on his shoulder brace, watching as he rolled the joint. "Sorry I slept on it," he said, throat still scratchy with sleep.

Sousuke blinked, confused, and then broke into a grin.

"What?" Rin asked, uncomfortably aware of both his state of undress and the uncomfortable stickiness he felt.

"Your cheek," Sousuke said, and reached to touch Rin’s face.

Rin glanced over at the mirror to see that yes, he and Sousuke were both indeed very naked, and also the brace had left a red imprint on his cheek. He slapped Sousuke lightly on the arm. "I get to shower first," he said, and bolted for the bathroom before Sousuke could catch up.

"Unfair race!" Sousuke shouted behind him, but Rin already shut and locked the door.

He turned on the shower and stepped under the hot spray of water. He washed himself all over with soap and thought of Sousuke's eyes and the rough husk of his voice whispering Rin's name. The soap slipped from his fingers and the water poured down Rin's head until he can only see the red of his hair flowing down a curtain of water to the ground.

 

* * *

 

Routine was a summer haze. As the days got warmer and bled into one another, temptation to open the balcony door got stronger, and one day in late June, Rin stirred awake from an accidental afternoon nap to the sound of the front door clicking shut.

“I’m home,” he heard Sousuke’s deep voice.

It took a few moments before he realized why the sun across his face felt so strange, and then he bolted upright, reaching for the balcony door.

“Leave it.” Sousuke’s hand on his own caught him just before he touched the door. “It’s hot. Leave it open.”

Rin bit back the apology half-formed on his lips. He couldn’t bring himself to look at either door or Sousuke’s face, and instead, headed for the kitchen. He found himself staring into the open refrigerator for so long that it had switched on and was blasting cold air in his face when Sousuke’s voice came from the balcony.

“Did you go swimming today?” Sousuke asked.

Rin grabbed the bundle of leeks he’d gotten the other day and shut the refrigerator. “What?”

“Did you swim today?” Sousuke repeated.

Rin clenched his fist. “Yeah,” he said, hating Sousuke a little for forcing him to say it, but thankfully, Sousuke left it at that. “Of course I did. I swim every day.”

He got started chopping the leek. Stir-fry, he thought. They still had beef from...the last time they’d had stir-fry, but Rin couldn’t remember if it was yesterday or a week before. He’d already started chopping the leek, though, so he kept going.

Eventually, he heard the bathroom door shut and the shower switch on.

By the time Sousuke came out of the bath, the balcony door was shut, the blinds were drawn, and the table was set for two. Sousuke gave Rin a long look, but he sat down and said, “Itadakimasu.”

 

* * *

 

Rin could count the number of real fights he and Sousuke had had on one hand.

The first time, they’d both been ten. It had started off with something so trivial Rin couldn’t remember what it was, but he did remember Sousuke calling him a crybaby, and when they had a throwdown and Sousuke won, it had just made Rin cry more. Rin had refused to go to school for two days before his mother knocked on his door the afternoon of the second day and told him Sousuke was there.

“Sousuke’s an idiot,” Rin sulked, even more annoyed that tears were already prickling in the corners of his eyes. “I hate him! We’re not friends!”

“Don’t cry,” Sousuke had said from the doorway where Rin’s mother had already abandoned them.

“I’m not crying, you idiot!” Rin cried. “I’m not a crybaby.”

But instead of leaving like Rin expected, Sousuke had sort of shuffled awkwardly from one foot to another for a moment, and then come into the room to even more awkwardly pat Rin on the head. “Don’t be sad, Rin-Rin,” he said and started wiping Rin’s face with a tissue.

“Stop!” Rin protested, and in the ensuing scuffle, left Sousuke covered in snot and tears.

When he’d looked at Sousuke sitting there with a gob of snot stuck in his hair and making a face like he was torn between trying to comfort Rin and utter disgust, Rin couldn’t help laughing just a little. Ten minutes and a tickle war later, they were friends again.

The second time, they’d just lost the relay and Sousuke was mad. He’d always been competitive, and he swam to win, even more than Rin did himself. He hadn’t even left room for a real argument.

“Relays are dumb,” was all he’d said.

“No they’re not!” Rin tried to argue.

“I’m not going to swim one again,” Sousuke said and left, and even at twelve, Rin could see the lines of tension on Sousuke’s back.

Rin remembered thinking, right up until that moment, that Sousuke was his ideal partner--the one he wanted to swim relay with. But Sousuke didn’t want to swim with him, so he had to find others.

The last time they’d argued was out in the park where Sousuke had told him the truth about his shoulder and how he’d never swim again. Rin had shouted and demanded why Sousuke hadn’t told him sooner even though it might not have made a difference at all.

In every argument, Rin felt like he knew what they were fighting over, but when Sousuke ate his stir-fry, but said nothing with the lines of tension drawn all over his shoulders, Rin felt like they were fighting and he wasn’t sure about what.

 

* * *

 

On the second night of their not-fight, Rin couldn’t stand the odd tension any longer, so he grabbed his keys and toed on his shoes.

“Where are you going?” Sousuke asked from the table, hunched over his books as usual.

“Out,” Rin said and shut the door on Sousuke’s next words.

It had been awhile since he’d gone out at night alone, he realized, as he headed out of the complex and onto the street. He hadn’t even realized he spent so much time with Sousuke that it’d become second nature. All the year before, they’d been roommates in the same class and club, and their schedules were near-identical. Then they’d come to Tokyo together.

Rin wandered in and out of a few closing grocery stores, played a couple of games at an arcade, and then meandered into a nightclub blasting bass so loud, he couldn’t make out any words at all. It was a weeknight and despite the music, the club felt empty except for a few teenage girls with smudged makeup and skinny guys grinding up against them. Even the bartender looked bored. Rin wondered if Sousuke would get mad if he joined those desperates on the dance floor. He was more afraid that Sousuke wouldn’t.

In the end, he went into an internet cafe where he rented out a booth. Rin read random wikipedia pages about physical therapy and rotator cuffs and muscles and tendons until the words blurred together.

He woke feeling sore all over with his face pressed against the keyboard and the computer open to a page about castles in Scotland, of all things. A quick glance at the monitor told him it was just past 8 in the morning.

Rin was in desperate need of a toothbrush and a good shower, and he stretched, feeling his knuckles crack with satisfaction, before he got to his feet and went to pay for his time. He would never understand how some people actually lived in these places.

He’d just gotten the key in the apartment door when it flew open, and Sousuke was dragging him inside.

“Where the hell have you been?” Sousuke said, running his hands down Rin’s sides. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine, Sousuke, stop,” Rin stuttered. It took two tries to catch Sousuke’s hands to still him, and then Rin noticed Sousuke looked about as tired as he felt. Dark shadows smudged beneath his eyes and day-old stubble was scattered over his face. Rin suddenly felt ashamed.

“Where were you?” Sousuke repeated.

“I...I fell asleep. At an internet cafe,” Rin admitted. He could feel his face heat up.

Sousuke’s mouth opened and then shut again, and then he slowly shook his head and let it fall onto Rin’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around him.

Slowly, Rin also wrapped his arms around Sousuke’s broad back, and his eyes settled on the clock. “It’s 8,” he said slowly. “Aren’t you supposed to be at physical therapy right now?” he said and tried to push Sousuke back.

Sousuke didn’t budge and instead, Rin felt his arms tighten. “As though I could go anywhere not knowing where you were,” he said. “You didn’t even bring your phone.” His voice hardened.

Rin could count the number of times he’d ever heard Sousuke angry--truly angry on one hand, but he couldn’t move away.

“Do you know how--do you know how--” Sousuke’s words died out and Rin hesitantly ran his hands down Sousuke’s back in circles.

Eventually, he pressed a kiss to the edge of Sousuke’s jaw right by his ear--the only place Rin could reach in their current position. “Sou, I’m sorry,” he said finally. He glanced at the clock again. “But you really need to go to physical therapy.”

He felt Sousuke stiffen in his arms, though he didn’t move. Sousuke mumbled something into his neck, a wet touch that sent an involuntary shiver up Rin’s spine.

“What?” Rin asked.

“If my shoulder wasn’t screwed up, would you still be with me?” Sousuke said.

Rin pulled, determined, until Sousuke finally gave in and stepped back just enough so Rin could face him, although he wasn’t looking at Rin’s face, determined not to meet his eyes. “What did you just say?” Rin demanded.

“If my shoulder--”

“I know what you just said!” Rin interrupted.

Sousuke gave a soft snort. “Then why’d--”

“I can’t believe you, asshole!” Rin said and stepped back wholly out of Sousuke’s reach now. “You think I’d--you really think I’d--I can’t even talk to you right now.” He was still holding his keys and spared a thought for grabbing his phone, but he didn’t want to give Sousuke the satisfaction.

Sousuke had chosen a good time not to let Rin get out of his shoes because it meant Rin could head right back out, slamming the door behind him so hard it bounced open again, but he was already taking the stairs two at a time.

“Rin, don’t you fucking dare--”

“Fuck off!” Rin shouted back and sprinted for the gate.

Despite Rin’s head start, Sousuke was still an athlete through and through, and Rin was only halfway down the street toward the metro stop when Sousuke caught him hard by the back of his shirt. Rin pinwheeled, yanked off balance, and it took truly spectacular self-control for him not to sock Sousuke in the face when he pulled Rin upright again.

“What the fuck do you want?” Rin snapped. He could already feel his vision blurring and he hated crying.

Sousuke was gripping him by both arms like he was afraid Rin would run again. If he hadn’t been, Rin wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have.

“I love you,” Sousuke blurted out and when Rin stared at him, Sousuke looked surprised himself at the confession. But then his hands tightened on Rin’s arms and his brows drew together, his eyes burning into Rin’s own. “I love you,” he repeated. “But sometimes, you make me feel like it’s not enough,” and he sounded defeated.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke fucked into him in short, shallow thrusts. In the early afternoon light seeping beneath the blinds, it was suffocating and humid, but every time he tried to say something, Sousuke would plunge in and Rin would lose his words all over again.

“Let me--let me--” Rin tried to say because Sousuke had him flattened to the ground his arms braced over Rin. He’d skipped physical therapy and this position couldn’t be good for Sousuke’s shoulder, but Sousuke wouldn’t let him get the words out.

“Shut up, Rin,” Sousuke said and Rin’s whole body jerked when Sousuke’s hand closed around his cock, stroking it too hard and too fast like a hurricane.

Dimly, Rin thought that despite all his normal, laid back demeanor, Sousuke was like a summer storm wrapped in a human skin, and there was nothing calm about him at all. Sousuke devoured his mouth and Rin felt like he was suffocating when he came so hard he saw stars. Instead of pulling out, though, Rin involuntarily let out a gasp when all Sousuke did was draw out enough to push Rin onto his front, ass up. He realized what Sousuke intended to do just before he did it.

“Sou--I can’t--” was all he got out before Sousuke plunged back in, Rin feeling oversensitive and wrung out, but Sousuke persistently pulled at his cock, thumbing the slit too hard. His knees hurt where they rubbed against the floor, and then he felt Sousuke thumb his rim where his cock was still plunging in and out.

“I’m not letting you go, Rin,” Sousuke said.

They had been best friends for as long as Rin could remember. Before he met Sousuke, there hadn’t been anyone--he’d never lacked friends, but Rin also never missed anyone or cared who he played with, particularly, so long as there was always someone to keep him company. Then Sousuke came along and everything became fun. Playing during free time turned into jumping off swing sets with Sousuke to see who could land farther. Field trips turned into competitions to see who could catch the biggest stag beetle. Even ordinary things like walking home with his mother turned into racing home with Sousuke, and then playing with Sousuke until dinnertime where Sousuke would stay over, and then laying a blanket out in the backyard to watch shooting stars with Sousuke.

Then Sousuke rejected the relay and Rin went to Iwatobi.

He wondered, sometimes, if he’d stayed, maybe he and Sousuke could have gone to Australia together. Maybe they could have gone to Tokyo together. Maybe Rin would never had hit his block and stopped swimming. Maybe Sousuke’s shoulder would still be okay.

Sousuke plunged in again and Rin heard a high-pitched mewling that he barely recognized as his own voice, his face shoved into his own arm, and his hands sliding against the hardwood floor.

“Sou--Sou--”

Sousuke’s hand reached around to twist at his nipple, and even though he just came, he felt his cock twitch every time Sousuke rubbed the calloused tips of his huge fingers down Rin’s overheated skin. He reached back to press his fingers against the underside of Rin’s balls, and then thumbed the tip of his cock before he began stroking it to the rhythm of his thrusts again, persistent until Rin was twisting beneath his hands, not sure if he felt pain or pleasure, except that it was too much.

Then, Sousuke pulled him upright for a moment, and Rin turned for one bleary moment, before Sousuke grabbed both of Rin’s wrists in one huge hand, pulling Rin’s arms behind him so his chest was forced out, and thrust forward again. Rin thought he’d run head-first into the ground, but Sousuke’s grip just tightened around him. His other hand was bruisingly tight on Rin’s hip, and suspended half in midair, Rin could only take Sousuke’s huge cock driving into him again and again.

Rin might have blacked out when he came again because the next thing he knew, his cheek was pressed against the floor, skin still trembling, and Sousuke was a heavy weight on top of him, whispering something into his hair.

He could feel the heavy breaths Sousuke was still taking, every inhale and exhale of his chest pressed against Rin’s back.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sousuke was whispering, breathless and husky.

Rin felt wetness along his neck and when he finally shifted so Sousuke slid out of him, he turned, staying in the heavy cage of Sousuke’s arms, and kissed him.

“Don’t cry,” he said, an odd echo of what Sousuke had told him four months ago when he’d found out about Sousuke’s shoulder. He’d cried because Sousuke had been looking at him with eyes that wanted to but couldn’t. “Please don’t cry, Sou,” he said. His fingers were shaking as he wiped Sousuke’s face. Sousuke’s arms tightened around him, but the more Rin tried to stop him, the more water flowed.

And he didn’t know how to fix it because in three weeks, he was still stepping onto that airplane.

 

* * *

 

Rin was only eighteen, and most of those eighteen years had been consumed by swimming, so apart from passing, objective interest, he’d never felt a pressing need for a relationship. With his busy schedule, he didn’t have time for a serious relationship, and Rin didn’t believe in casual ones. So with Sousuke, it had all happened very quickly. Sousuke confessed about his shoulder, Rin had cried, and Sousuke had kissed him, which confused all of Rin’s feelings about the whole thing.

He’d also rapidly discovered that objective appreciation for Sousuke’s perfect body, as Ai so liked to call it, quickly turned unobjective when it was pressing him against the shower wall and touching him places Rin had never even touched himself.

Sousuke decided to apply for a couple of schools for business and help his father’s company out if he couldn’t swim again, but they both knew Sousuke had really decided to go to Tokyo for physical therapy on the slim chance that he could eventually get back up to competitive swimming. Sousuke never complained about anything. He believed that if there was time to complain, there was time to do something about it, and if there was nothing left to do, then complaining didn’t solve anything either.

But sometimes, Rin would see Sousuke turned toward the balcony window instead of looking down at his books.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke took him to the airport. He dragged Rin’s luggage behind him with his good arm and Rin let him because Sousuke wanted to. They checked in his luggage and walked hand-in-hand to the security checkpoint. They’d arrived three hours early for the international flight, and Rin could already see the long line stretching ahead where he’d have to take off his shoes and sweatshirt and put his shoulderbag through the conveyer belt.

Still, he lingered, turning his shoulder in toward Sousuke as they stood by the checkpoint. The security guard was pretending he couldn’t see them.

“You should go in,” Sousuke said first.

Rin could feel the rumble of his voice beneath the thin T-shirt he wore. Rin’s hand clenched a little tighter. “I’ll wait for you,” he said. “Therapy is going well. Just keep going and wearing the brace, and I’ll wait for you.”

Sousuke pulled him in close, and Rin felt him kiss the top of his head, gentle. Then he leaned down for a real kiss. Rin opened his mouth and tried to memorize the feeling of Sousuke’s dry lips, the taste of cola on his tongue, the heat of his breath as he said Rin’s name.

“Don’t,” Sousuke said when he finally drew back, and he had that same, sad smile he’d shown Rin the day he’d told him about his shoulder. “Don’t wait for me.”

“What?” Rin said just before Sousuke pulled away completely.

“Don’t wait for me.”

Sousuke jogged out the glass doors of the building before Rin could say anything. He watched Sousuke’s distorted figure through the glass, weaving between the taxis and cars lined up by the curb outside until he had disappeared.

Rin was clutching his ticket to Australia in one hand and the strap to his carry-on backpack in the other. He could see the bright water of the pool in Sousuke’s apartment complex.

He turned and went through the gate.


	2. Chapter 2

The day after Rin left, Sousuke went to see his father.

“Sousuke, how’s your shoulder?” his father asked when Sousuke walked into his office. Yamazaki Tashiro was the CFO at High Speed Inc., a popular Japan-based company specializing in sportswear, so nearly every time Sousuke walked into the corporate building, someone mistook him for a sponsored athlete. Once, when he was younger, the receptionist had sent him into a studio where there really was a magazine shoot happening, and Sousuke had spent a very confused hour being dressed in basketball jerseys and shoes before they realized he wasn’t the child model they’d been waiting for.

“The same,” Sousuke said.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready,” his father said so Sousuke sat himself down in a chair and waited as he typed his last email.

Sousuke thumbed through a random sports magazine, picking out several High Speed Inc. outfits even on a quick flip, and then looked around the office. As one of the higher up people in the company, his father had a spacious work space that was kept clean and sparsely decorated. There was only one picture frame on his desk, which Sousuke knew was a photo of himself at 5 years old, and his mother back when she was still alive.

“Done,” his father said and got to his feet. “Where would you like to go for lunch?” he asked, clapping Sousuke on his good shoulder and opening the door for him. “You feel like Italian? Someone told me about a new place that should be good.”

“Sure,” Sousuke said.

It wasn’t that Yamazaki Tashiro didn’t love Sousuke or try, in his own way, to be a good father, but a lot of things had happened the year Sousuke was 5--the car accident that took his mother away, his father taking the CFO job for corporate that required him to be in Tokyo during the work week. For most of his life, Sousuke had limited memories of his father coming home late on Saturday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon to head back to Tokyo. Sunday mornings, Sousuke spent playing video games while his grandmother made breakfast or the sport of the week with his friends. A few years later, he met Rin and started spending whole Sundays at the pool or at Rin’s house or at the arcade with Rin, and he remembered seeing his father’s scuffed shoes at the entrance more than his father.

When Rin moved to Australia and Sousuke wanted to take swimming more seriously, he’d asked his father to move to Tokyo. His school was just far enough from his father’s apartment, and it had been so long since they’d actually lived together by then, that it had just been easier on both of them for Sousuke to get his own apartment. Sousuke had learned, at a young age, that just because he wanted it, not everything always worked out.

The restaurant was one of those posh, overpriced places, but the food was decent and came in surprisingly large portions. Both Yamazaki men were tall and well-built, and his father had nearly as big an appetite as Sousuke did.

“How is the risotto?” his father asked as Sousuke ate.

“Pretty good,” Sousuke said.

“That’s good,” his father said. “This lasagna isn’t bad either. Want to try some?”

“It’s fine. This is enough,” Sousuke said.

“How is school?” his father asked after another awkward silence.

“Good,” Sousuke said. “Exams are coming up.”

“Good, good,” his father said and stabbed another piece of his lasagna. “Have you thought more about my offer?”

The good thing about Yamazaki Toshiro being in the sportswear business was that he hadn’t minded when Sousuke had poured all his time and energy into swimming. While he had never pressure Sousuke into pursuing it for the company, Sousuke knew that if he’d made it professionally, it would certainly help the Yamazaki image. After he’d found out about Sousuke’s injury, his father had immediately paid for the best consultations and treatment, but assured Sousuke that if he wanted it, he could secure him a job at High Speed Inc.

“Yeah, I’m still thinking about it,” Sousuke said.

“You don’t have to do finance like me, Sou,” his father said. “Since you like swimming so much, I can talk to the guys in the design department or HR if you want to work with the swimmers. There’s an internship for you anytime you want it.”

“Thanks,” Sousuke said.

His father nodded, apparently satisfied that he’d said what he wanted to say, and dug back into his lasagna.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke was not a small person by any stretch of the imagination, and even when he’d been living by himself in high school, his apartment had felt claustrophobic. Although he’d gained several kilo since then, it felt too big without Rin chopping meat in the kitchen or sprawled on the ground, shirt riding up his ribs in the heat of summer while he read one of his ridiculous romance novels.

Knowing that he’d be moving to Australia after three months, Rin hadn’t brought very much with him, but his old pink toothbrush, a gift from Gou, was still stuck in the cup next to Sousuke’s. His cherry blossom scented conditioner was still half-full in the shower. His English novels were still stacked next to Sousuke’s textbooks on the shelf. The full-length mirror Rin had insisted on getting was still propped against the wall. There were still two futons, two sets of bowls, two cups, two pairs of chopsticks. Every other day, Sousuke would find another hair tie or bobby pin abandoned in a random corner.

“You get bobby pins every time we go shopping,” Sousuke said the last time they’d gone to Daiso, and Rin had dragged him into the hair section to get another pack.

“They get lost all the time,” Rin said. “I swear to god I have no idea where they go.”

“If you’re using them, they’re probably in the apartment,” Sousuke said reasonably.

“You’ve never had long hair. You don’t understand,” Rin said.

Sousuke held up a pair of pink bows. “While you’re at it, want these too?” He grinned.

Rin kicked him.

Every time Sousuke picked up another bobby pin, he put it on the table by his desk lamp. In two weeks, the collection had grown to a small pile. Then one afternoon, looking out at the balcony and playing absently with one of the pins, he realized he hadn’t added to the collection in three days.

 

* * *

 

Although Sousuke hadn’t spent much time with Iwatobi outside of swim meets and the cultural festival, somehow all of Rin’s friends had Sousuke’s number. Ever since Rin went to Australia, they had persistently, tag-teamedly nagged until he finally agreed to go out for dinner when Ryuugazaki, Hazuki, and Gou were visiting Tokyo.

“Sousuke!” Gou was the first to see him. She jumped up, waving her arm until he walked up to the table. “Sit here,” she gestured to the empty seat left between herself and Ryuugazaki, and Sousuke breathed a sigh of relief that at least he didn’t have to sit next to Nanase.

“I made them choose a place with good tonkatsu,” Gou said and handed him a menu.

Sousuke smiled. “Thanks,” he said.

“Sou-chan, how’s your shoulder?” Hazuki asked loudly from next to Ryuugazaki who promptly choked on the sip of water he’d been taking.

“Nagisa, you can’t just ask that,” he hissed, which was also clearly audible to Sousuke.

“Why not?” Hazuki said. “I just want to know when Sou-chan can swim again.”

Ryuugazaki broke into a coughing fit.

Sousuke took pity and reached over to clap him hard on the back until the water came up. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m still going to physio a couple times a week.” Athletes with injuries rarely returned to the same level of ability they once had no matter how well surgeries went or how much physical therapy they underwent.

“Haru-chan, no!” Tachibana interrupted from the other end of the table where it appeared he was trying to stop Nanase from pulling something out of his bag.

“They don’t have mackerel here,” Nanase said. “So I brought--”

“You can’t bring outside food into a restaurant,” Tachibana said and held onto Nanase’s arms until Nanase finally withdrew his hands from his bag. “I told you not to bring it.”

“Tch, Gou said this place had meat, not fish,” Nanase said and shot Sousuke a look like it was all his fault. “I brought what I want to eat.”

“You can have mackerel when we go home later,” Tachibana said. “Look, I’ll get you water.” He gestured for the waiter.

Once Nanase had settled with his glass of water, Tachibana turned to Sousuke and smiled. “How are classes at the university going?” he asked.

“Fine,” Sousuke said.

“You’re studying accounting, right?” Ryuugazaki asked. “Rin mentioned you were considering working for your father. What does he do?”

“He’s at High Speed Inc.,” Sousuke said.

“The swimwear company?” Hazuki asked.

“Not just swimwear, but yeah,” Sousuke said.

At the other end of the table, Nanase seemed to perk up. “Jammers,” he said.

“No, Haru,” Tachibana said and the hand he put on Nanase’s shoulder seemed less for intimacy and more to keep him in his seat.

Ever since Rin had decided to transfer to Iwatobi in elementary school, he’d talked nonstop about his new swim team friends. The first couple of times, Sousuke hadn’t entirely believed him when Rin had told him about how Hazuki actually believed in aliens, or how, if Tachibana were a woman, he could be a yamato nadeshiko, or how Nanase wore jammers under everything and sometimes had to be physically restrained from diving into any large enough body of water. Then, Sousuke had found out that while all of the above facts were true and Iwatobi was full of weirdos, those weirdos were still the ones that Rin wanted to swim with more than he wanted to swim with Sousuke.

Rin had introduced Sousuke to swimming back in grade school. Sousuke used to prefer the more physical, competitive sports like football or basketball, but Rin had begged for weeks and finally won a game of janken and dragged Sousuke to swim club with him. It didn’t take long for Sousuke to learn to swim with Rin as both teacher and main competitor. Before long, he won half the races he had against Rin, he spent Christmases with Rin, he’d see a toy and think Rin would like it or watch a movie and wonder if Rin would cry over it. He couldn’t remember a time when Rin hadn’t been in the back of his mind.

So when he and Rin swam and lost the relay, and Rin decided to go to Iwatobi, Sousuke said nothing. And when Rin started going to Samezuka, Sousuke said nothing. And when Rin decided to return to Australia, Sousuke said nothing. Because Rin happy was Sousuke happy, and if Sousuke couldn’t give him what he wanted, then at least, he wouldn’t hold him back.

Dinner with Iwatobi was not as bad as Sousuke had anticipated. Gou, Ryuugazaki, and Hazuki were all still continuing the Iwatobi Swim Club, and they’d managed to coerce a couple of freshmen into joining. Although Sousuke had thought Ryuugazaki was one of the less strange characters at Iwatobi, he changed his mind when Ryuugazaki talked about the beauty of different butterfly species for at least a good thirty minutes before Hazuki, in an ironic show of maturity, told him very slowly that while he thought Ryuugazaki’s weird fascination was cute, no one else did.

After dinner--and Gou was right, that place did have decent tonkatsu--Tachibana invited them all to his apartment. And since Gou wanted him to come, Sousuke went with them and was surprised to discover Tachibana lived in an apartment considerably further from the city than Sousuke did. Also, he was living alone.

“You and Nanase aren’t living together?” Sousuke asked as he looked around the homey apartment as the others sat down around the small table and Tachibana brought out snacks.

“What? No,” Tachibana said. “Haru lives next door.”

Since they had all come to Tokyo at the same time and every time Sousuke saw Tachibana and Nanase, they came as a pair, he’d assumed that they were living together. He was pretty sure that Rin thought so too, but this arrangement was odd. Tachibana’s flat was spacious and had both a bedroom and study unlike Sousuke’s one-room studio. There was certainly enough room for Nanase to live with him.

“Sou-chan, sit down! We’re going to play Go Fish,” Hazuki said and patted the floor beside him until Sousuke sat down.

Two hours later, the table had been tilted and cards sent flying three times--all due to Hazuki. For someone with such an innocent baby face, he was a dirty cheat and pulled no punches to win including literally punching Ryuugazaki in the thigh once to distract him. Three hours later, Nanase had gotten up to cook mackerel once, and then went to the kitchen a second time to salvage whatever kind of cake Tachibana had apparently been trying to make for them. Four hours later, it was just past midnight and Gou was nodding off on Sousuke’s shoulder to the movie still playing on Tachibana’s small television, and Sousuke decided it was time to go home.

“Tachibana, I’m going to get going or I’ll miss the last train,” Sousuke said just louder than television, careful not to wake the others.

Tachibana looked up from where Nanase was sleeping on his shoulder and nodded, gently shifting Nanase to lean on the table instead. “Makoto?” Nanase sounded confused and looked around until his eyes settled on Tachibana.

“I’m walking Sousuke out,” Tachibana said. “I’ll be right back.”

Nanase blinked slowly, and then set his head back on the table and shut his eyes again.

“Where is Gou staying?” Sousuke asked as he slowly extricated his arm from under her head. She made a wordless murmur and wrinkled her nose. Rin made that exact expression when Sousuke crawled into the futon with him most nights, and Sousuke stopped for a second just to stare. He swallowed.

“Next door in Haru’s apartment,” Tachibana said. “The boys are all staying with me tonight.” He looked fondly at the others sprawled in front of the television. He pulled on his shoes by the entrance and followed Sousuke out onto the walkway.

The apartment was in a quiet neighborhood and at this time of night, Sousuke could only hear the faint sound of an occasional car or barking dog far in the distance. He was suddenly aware that although Tachibana had asked him all the usual polite questions about school and physical therapy, he knew very little about what Tachibana or Nanase were actually doing.

“How are things?” Sousuke cleared his throat and asked as they walked down the steps together.

“Oh, school is fine,” Tachibana said and smiled. “Classes are fun, and I’ve talked to Haru’s coach a few times now, so they may let me work part-time with him. It would be good experience.”

Sousuke knew, from Rin, that Tachibana wanted to become a swimming coach. He was a good swimmer and enjoyed it, but he had no desire to pursue it professionally. “You’ll make a good coach,” he said.

Tachibana smiled. “Thanks. You should consider it too,” he said as they walked out of the complex. “Rin always talked about you back at ITSC. If you really love swimming, it’s a career.” He glanced at Sousuke’s shoulder. “You’ve been before, right?” He rummaged in his pocket to pull out a business card that he handed to Sousuke. “I’ve been meaning to give this to you.”

Under the dim streetlights, Sousuke saw a plain white card with the name _Goro Sasabe_ printed on it.

“That’s the coach for the ITSC,” Tachibana said, tapping the card. “Give him a call and just talk to him.”

Sousuke pocketed it. “I’ll think about it,” he said. “Have a good night, Tachibana.”

“We’re friends now,” Tachibana said. “You can call me Makoto.”

“Good night, Makoto,” Sousuke said and turned toward the metro stop.

“Wait, Sousuke!” Makoto called. “Have you talked to Rin lately?”

Sousuke paused. “No,” he answered. Not since he’d left Rin at the airport.

“It might not be my place to say, but I’ve seen him with you,” Makoto said very quickly like he’d lose his nerve if he stopped. “He loves you.”

“I know,” Sousuke said and couldn’t help the dry chuckle that came out. He shoved his hands in his pockets and shook his head. “If Nanase had to choose between swimming or you, which would he choose?”

“That’s not fair, Sousuke,” Makoto said.

“A lot of things aren’t fair,” Sousuke said. “At least you and he and Rin have a choice.”

Makoto didn’t say anything, and Sousuke walked away.

 

* * *

 

The first time he held Rin, it had been nearly a month after the relay because the next morning, Sousuke had been immediately sent off to the hospital. Surgery had been scheduled for that the next weekend, and it took another three weeks before the wound had healed into a peeling pink scar, and Rin could look at him without immediately tearing up.

At first, Sousuke had, sadistically, enjoyed it because for the first time he could remember, Rin’s eyes searched him out first when he entered the room. He turned to Sousuke first when he said something funny to check that Sousuke was laughing too. He got Sousuke drinks from the vending machine “just because.” He made Sousuke sleep on the bottom bunk, and once, after a particularly exhausting practice, Rin automatically crawled into the bottom bunk when Sousuke was still there and fell asleep next to him.

But it didn’t last long. Sousuke wouldn’t let Nanase mess with Rin’s dream--he wouldn’t let himself either. So he told Rin to take Nanase to Australia.

“Why are you trying to make me leave?” Rin demanded. “Your shoulder--”

“--is what it is and that’s not going to change,” Sousuke said, catching Rin’s hands from where they were clenched in his lap. The two of them were sitting on the bottom bunk, and Rin had just gotten the news that a university in Sydney wanted him to fly over so they could see his swimming in person. “I can’t swim--”

“Don’t say that,” Rin said.

Sousuke tried again. “I can’t swim--”

“ _Don’t say that_ ,” Rin said, pulling his hands out of Sousuke’s grip. His voice was starting to wobble again.

Sousuke gave up. “Take Nanase with you,” he said.

Rin jerked up to stare at him. “You want me to take Haru with me? I thought you didn’t like him.”

Sousuke shrugged. “Yeah,” he admitted. “But I know swimming with him is important to you. You’ve been worried about his career.”

“That’s cause Haru doesn’t care about it at all so it makes everyone else worry twice as much,” Rin said. He reached for Sousuke’s hand again, holding it in both of his own and absently playing with his fingers. “And he has all that talent.” Sousuke saw Rin glance at his shoulder.

“So do you,” Sousuke said.

Rin snorted and shook his head. “It’s different for me,” he said.

It had been three weeks since they’d done anything after the kiss Sousuke initiated under the trees where Rin cried over him. They hadn’t talked about it after with everything else happening, but Rin had been the one sleeping outside his hospital room when he woke up after the surgery. Wwhen they were alone in the room, Rin would prop his legs up on Sousuke’s lap or lean against his side--all normal things for them except now, Rin’s ears would tinge pink every time his sleeve brushed Sousuke’s, and he’d sneak shy little glances at Sousuke like he was testing to see if this was okay.

So with Rin holding onto one of his hands, Sousuke leaned over and turned Rin’s face with his other. He got a glimpse of Rin’s long eyelashes, fluttering up with surprise right before he leaned in and kissed him again.

Rin made a soft noise. Then he kissed back.

For the record, Sousuke didn’t intend to go all the way so quickly, but he was eighteen and he’d loved Rin before he even knew what it really was. He had been rooming with Rin the whole semester and watched the ripple of muscle under his rosy skin when he stripped out of his shirt, followed the curve of his thighs when Rin stretched in skintight jammers before diving into the pool, listened to him nag Sousuke about putting his clean laundry away while standing with a hand propped on the shadow of his hipbone and his jeans riding low.

So when he deepened the kiss and Rin swung a long leg over to straddle him, he couldn’t help running his hand up Rin’s back to touch the warm blades of his shoulders that Sousuke had watched swim fly for years, and down the smooth dip of his spine. He fingered the low waistline of his sweatpants, Rin’s hips jolted when Sousuke mouthed his way down the slim line of his jaw.

“S-Sou,” Rin said, both arms wrapped around his neck.

Sousuke looked up at him, and Rin’s pupils were blown wide, the brown, almost red flecks of his irises an amber ring around wide black. His mouth was swollen and wet, and he was so close that Sousuke could smell the chlorine on his still-damp hair that was leaving a wet trail on his shirt.

Sousuke slowly traced the band of Rin’s sweatpants until he reached the drawstring, watching Rin’s face as he did. When his hand slid inside, Rin’s eyes slid shut and he gave another jolt against him. Although he’d just been kissing Rin, Sousuke’s mouth had never felt so dry as when he watched the bead of sweat trickle down the white curve of Rin’s throat, and listened to his ragged gasp as Sousuke’s hand tightened around him, and felt the sharp pain where Rin’s fingers dug into his shoulders as he came.

And afterward, when Rin was blinking sleepily at him with that soft, sated smile on his face, Sousuke knew he’d tell Rin to go to Australia a thousand times.

 

* * *

 

Trips to the rehabilitation center were never fun. The massages and exercises they put him through hurt, and afterward, Sousuke’s whole arm was weak, and he felt lopsided. The worst were the empty reassurances he got during his weekly checks with the doctor.

“It looks like your shoulder’s improving, Yamazaki-san,” the doctor said after they’d run through all the routine checks and Sousuke had been allowed to get dressed again. “How are the exercises going?”

“Fine,” Sousuke said, strapping on the brace as the doctor made notes.

“Well, keep working at it,” the doctor said, typing a few things into a computer screen that Sousuke could look at if he leaned over, but he didn’t.

“How much longer is it going to be?” Sousuke asked, pulling on his shirt.

The doctor sighed. “It all depends,” he said. “Everyone recovers at a different rate. You’re young still--it’ll be far easier than if you’d gotten this injury ten years from now.” But most people weren’t swimmers. Most swimmers didn’t injure their shoulders so badly they required surgery. No professional swimmers with even a chance at the Olympics did. Sousuke had had two years living with this and in those two years, he’d read more books about shoulder musculature than most med school students probably, searching for a way out. He knew what the doctor wasn’t saying.

“It’s not going to recover, is it?” Sousuke said. He looked down at his shoes that looked dirty and out of place in the clean white of the building. He always smelled antiseptic for hours after leaving the place.

“It’ll recover,” he said. “It’s just a matter of how much mobility you’ll regain.”

“Are there more exercises I can do?” Sousuke asked. “Other surgeries?”

The doctor shook his head. “Just give it time. Don’t overwork it and let it heal,” he said. “Keep coming in for your sessions and take care of yourself.”

The same lecture Sousuke got every week.

The doctor sighed and patted Sousuke on his good shoulder. “There are other things you can do apart from swimming professionally, Yamazaki-san,” he said. “I see athletes go through this all the time. If you love athletics so much, try sports medicine, nutrition, nursing, med school if you want a real challenge,” he said. “Hold on a moment.”

The doctor left and came back with several colorful pamphlets with pictures of smiling people dressed in casual business clothes. One was titled: _Career Focus: Nutrition_. Another was: _Is the medical field for you?_

“Tokyo U has a lot of good programs. Look into them,” the doctor said. He sighed again when Sousuke didn’t reply. “All right. We’re done here. You can go,” he said, giving him one last pat. “Read those. I’ll see you next week.”

One of the reasons Sousuke had gotten along so well with Rin right off the bat was because they both wanted to be best. Challenges got Rin’s blood pumping. His eyes were always brightest in the race, in the reaching. Sousuke’s blood pumped for the achievement, for the end goal. So Rin loved the race, and Sousuke loved the win.

Neither of them had ever been good at settling.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke hadn’t expect Rin to go to Tokyo with him when he told him he was moving two weeks before graduation. They’d just come back to their room after going out for dinner. Sousuke had been accepted to Tokyo U and Rin to Sydney Uni weeks ago, but apart from vaguely knowing they’d both be heading different ways post-graduation, they hadn’t talked about it.

“My semester doesn’t start until the end of July anyway,” Rin said, rubbing a hand behind his neck. He wasn’t looking at Sousuke. “Unless you don’t want me to come.”

All week, Rin had been antsy and snippier than usual. Sousuke had assumed it was just Rin being emotional over passing the baton to Nitori or the stress of exams, but now he could see the tips of Rin’s ears turning red where they peeked out from his hair. He felt a swell of warmth spread through his chest just watching him.

“Let’s janken for it,” Sousuke couldn’t resist saying. “I win and you stay here. If you win, I guess I’ll suffer through you for three more months.”

Rin jerked up and then glared at him and kicked him in the legs. “Not funny, Sou, you ass! This is serious!”

Sousuke laughed and caught Rin by the back of the neck the next time he kicked him and pulled him off balance in for a kiss. Rin struggled and shoved a hand over his mouth.

“Nuh-uh, you don’t get any kisses for that shit you just pulled,” Rin said, even though he didn’t remove Sousuke’s hands when he let go of Rin’s wrists to run them down and settle around Rin’s waist.

Sousuke grinned. “You’re such a nerd,” he said. “Did you even need to ask?”

Rin narrowed his eyes and poked him in the forehead with a finger. “And now you’re insulting me,” he said. “You can sleep in the top bunk tonight. Pouting isn’t going to work.”

Sousuke pecked a quick kiss on Rin’s nose.

“Top bunk tomorrow night too.” Rin glared at him. “Keep this up and you can go to Tokyo alone, buddy.”

Sousuke pecked him on the cheek this time, and then his wrinkled brow, his forehead, his chin. He stopped right before he got to Rin’s mouth.

“You cheater,” Rin said, but he was leaning in to Sousuke and tilted his chin, accepting Sousuke’s kiss on his lips. “Is it really okay for me to move in with you?”

“We’ve been living together a whole semester, Rin,” Sousuke said, tucking a strand of Rin’s hair behind his ear. He grinned. “It can’t get any worse.”

Rin kicked him again.

Sousuke had let himself get spoiled by waking to Rin pinching his arm every morning until he got up, by letting Rin scribble notes in the margins of his textbooks asking if he wanted to go off campus for lunch later, by hearing the water splash on the tiles when Rin wrung out his hair after climbing from the pool.

He let himself get spoiled by waking up to Rin’s snicker as he pinched the air from his nose in the mornings, by coming home to the smell of Rin’s omelette rice in the late afternoon, by hearing Rin gasp his name hoarse and the tight cradle of his legs wrapped around Sousuke’s hips at night.

The lights were no longer switched on in his apartment when Sousuke got home from university. He could no longer smell the savory spice of curry in his kitchen. He no longer crawled in Rin’s futon after studying at night.

 

* * *

 

A month after Rin left, late on a Friday night, Sousuke realized he’d been staring through at his balcony door instead of his notes when he was jerked out of his thoughts by the buzz of his phone indicating a new text.

“I’m still waiting for you.”

The small pile of bobby pins cast a shadow on his desk. He could feel the warm breeze coming from the open balcony door. He’d made tempura by himself that night and the air was still heavy with grease.

On his desk, his math books were sitting under the pamphlets from the rehabilitation center and the business card for the ITSC.

He held his phone in his hand so tight, he could feel his arm throb all the way up to his shoulder.

He sent the text before he lost resolution.

“Don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments and support!! I ended up staying up until 1a writing all of ch2...sourin is bad for a healthy lifestyle.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Australia was home for Rin--oddly, despite having spent more years in Japan. As soon as he’d told them he planned to go to Sydney Uni, Russell and Lori had insisted that he move in with them again.

“We started building an extension in the back,” Lori said as she and Russell walked Rin through the house and out into the back yard, pausing to let Rin pet the dog that ran straight at him, her tail wagging madly.

“Who’s a good girl?” Rin said, bending to pet her and let her slobber all over his face.

Lori laughed. “Russell was planning to use it as an office later on, but since you’re here now, we thought you’d be more comfortable with your own space.”

“Thanks,” Rin said, straightening up to follow them again, and letting the dog run around their feet. “You really didn’t have to. Are you okay with this, Russell? I really don’t need that much room.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Russell said, dragging Rin’s suitcase over to where the couple had, indeed, built what looked like a small cabin attached to the house by what would be a corridor, but was currently covered in plastic tarp still. “We’ve still got to finish the hallway, so there’s no point in me moving any of my things in until that’s done anyway. For now, you’ll have to use the back door, though.”

He unlocked the extension room from a back door and switched on the lights, dragging Rin’s suitcase in after him. The extension was actually a series of three rooms--the main area, a separate bathroom, and a smaller room that the couple had put a small twin bed and desk in.

“I’m planning to have my library in that room,” Russell gestured to the bedroom. “I’m building a desk for the study now--I may have you help me move it in once it’s done.”

“Of course,” Rin said, looking around. “This is really nice,” he said, accepting the key that Russell gave him.

Lori laughed and patted Rin on the arm. “We only had time to move the bed and desk for you, but you’re welcome to anything in your old room that you need too.”

“I really appreciate this,” Rin said again. “Oh, hold on, I’ve got some things for you.”

He set his suitcase on the ground and pulled out the souvenirs he’d brought them from Japan--packaged mochi, high grade tea, and a tea set. No matter how much Lori and Russell insisted he didn’t need to bring them anything, it didn’t feel right not bringing them a few gifts as a token of gratitude.

“I’ll wash these and we can have tea after dinner,” Lori said.

“How was your break?” Russell asked. “You had a good two, three months off?”

“Let Rin settle in first,” Lori scolded him. “Get unpacked, shower, do whatever you need to do--dinner will be ready in a half hour so come over once you’re done.”

Then she made Russell carry Rin’s gifts, and they left the extension.

Rin sighed, looking around the room that still smelled new, and took off his shoes to sink his feet into the brand new carpet. He sighed. This extension was about three times the size of Sousuke’s tiny flat, and it was all for Rin. He felt in his pocket for his phone and sent off a text to Gou telling her that she’d arrived. At the top of his messages was Sousuke’s name, but the last text had been something reminding him to double-check the time of his flight the night before.

Rin bit his lip and sent one to him too. “Hey Sou, I’m here.”

He put the phone back in his pocket and got to work hanging up his clothes.

 

* * *

 

“How’s your friend Haru?” Lori asked after dinner was over and the three of them were sitting in the living room and catching up over fresh brewed tea.

“He’s in Tokyo now,” Rin answered. At this time of year it was chilly in Sydney, but he’d just come from humid summer in Japan so he was enjoying the weather. “The semester’s already started for him. Both he and Makoto are at the same school.”

“Makoto...he was also one of your friends at Iwatobi?” Russell asked.

“Yeah, he was also in the swim club--really great at the backstroke, but he doesn’t want to swim competitively, so he’s getting a degree to coach,” Rin said. It felt good to ease back in, telling his host family about his friends.

“You and Haru seemed close,” Lori said.

Rin smiled and shook his head. “It’s not like that. I brought him here cause he needed the push,” he said. “We’re just friends.” Maybe it was a little more complicated than that, but not in the way Lori seemed to think.

Lori didn’t seem terribly upset by the news. “So then are you dating anyone?”

“Sort of,” Rin answered finally. “We...we kind of broke up before I left.” They’d never actually officially talked about dating. They’d also never officially talked about breaking up. Rin had been hyper aware of his phone still in his pocket all evening.

“Oh,” Lori said. “I’m sorry to hear that.” She reached over to pat Rin on the knee. “If you want to talk about it, you know we’re here.”

Rin exhaled and smiled. “I know. Thanks,” he said.

Russell took another biscuit from the tray Lori had laid out. “So how’s Gou?” he asked.

“She’s great--still at home, still coaching the swim team,” Rin said, grateful. He’d only been back to Iwatobi once to see Gou after he’d gone to Tokyo with Sousuke, and most of that day had also been spent packing the remainder of things he’d need for Australia.

Rin asked about them and the neighbors and friends and family, and before he knew it, it was late and Russell and Lori were sending him off to bed.

It felt good being in a different country, a whole continent away, with a future stretching out in front of him. Rin took a shower, and really did feel the chill of Australian winter when he came back out. The extension, while roomy, didn’t have much insulation.

He debated going back to the main house and asking for a space heater, but decided he could survive a night without it. Instead, he rummaged through his clothes for something warm to wear over his pajamas. His fingers paused on a thick zip-up hoodie he’d packed that was several sizes too big for him.

In the last year, he and Sousuke had roomed together and swam together and generally shared a lot of things together. Rin wasn’t sure exactly when it got to be habit for him to ask Sousuke to grab his jacket on the way out and he’d toss Rin his own sweatshirt, or when they were going out and it was cold, Rin would wrap his own scarf around Sousuke’s neck. Between the two of them, Rin actually liked fashion and put some effort into choosing the clothes he bought, but Sousuke dressed neat and coordinated naturally, so while he had far fewer items in his wardrobe, what Sousuke did buy always looked nice and was of high quality.

Rin pulled out the sweatshirt and put it on. It smelled like the detergent they shared.

Despite the distance, there was only a one-hour time difference between Australia and Japan. It would be 9pm in Tokyo now, and Sousuke would be hunched at the little desk, studying stats or econ. Rin had cooked for him all summer, and while Sousuke was quite a good cook himself, Rin had forgotten to stock up on groceries for him before he left. Sousuke would have to go out shopping, and remember to make enough for a bento the next day too.

Rin looked down at the phone on his desk. There was one text from Makoto wishing him a safe trip and telling him to call once he’d arrived. There were three from Momo telling him unnecessarily about how Ai had opened the window when Pyunsuke wasn’t in his cage so he might have flown out. There was a group text Gou had sent to himself, Makoto, and Haru with a picture of herself and the new Iwatobi swim team fresh out of the pool at a recent relay event at Iwatobi. There were no missed calls or texts from Sousuke.

 

* * *

 

University classes weren’t all that different from high school classes in Australia--longer sessions, maybe, but fewer of them. Most of Rin’s time was spent in the Olympic size pool. Although the last time time he’d been there with Haru, he had done fine, Rin was still relieved when he completed his first sprint and came in second. The guy who had come in first, a second year named Ethan Unger, grinned at Rin from the lane over.

“You just started this semester?” he asked as they pulled themselves out of the pool.

Rin nodded.

“Welcome to the team, mate,” Ethan said. “So you’re the one coach’s been talking about--Matsuoka from Japan, right? When did you get here?”

“Yesterday, actually,” Rin said.

Ethan’s eyes widened. “Fuck, you must be jetlagged.”

Rin laughed. “No, Japan’s only an hour difference off from here, so I’m good.”

That was one thing he’d always had over Haru and Sousuke both--people usually liked Rin, and he never had trouble making friends as long as he wasn’t dealing with other problems. The last time he’d been Australia, he’d been so preoccupied with his own issues, he’d put no effort into anything else. This time, Rin knew he loved swimming, and he planned to stay for a long time.

He got himself an invite out with Ethan’s group of friends to a local restaurant that night, and by nine that night, Rin was holding a can of beer as Ethan introduced him to all his friends.

“This is Tim, Kevin, Chad, Lisa, Ellie, Jeff, Geoff, and Jeffrey,” Ethan introduced the others at their cramped booth. “And this is my girlfriend, Jeanne,” he said, gesturing to the pretty, tan girl sitting so close to him, she was halfway in his lap.

“Everyone else, this is Rin from Japan,” Ethan said. “He’s also on the swim team.”

“Did he beat you, bro?” One of the Jeffs grinned.

“Keep dreaming,” Ethan said. “Jeff’s just jealous cause he’s been surfing his whole life and I’m still better,” he told Rin.

“At swimming, maybe,” Jeff said.

Rin grinned. “Don’t worry. I’ll beat Ethan for you, Jeff,” he said. He leaned back and looked at Ethan consideringly. “I give it two weeks--a month tops once I get used to Australia again.”

“Ohh, it’s on!” at least four of the other guys at the table cheered.

“That’s big talk, Matsuoka,” Ethan said, raising an eyebrow, but he was grinning. “We’ll see about that.” He raised his beer can and Rin tapped it with his own.

He got home just before midnight. There was a text from Gou with a totally random link to some online blog featuring male models in various states of undress, and a second one requesting a photo of the most muscled guys on his new swim team. There were three more texts from Momo--the first wailing about how Pyunsuke got lost, and two more declaring he’d been found again. There was nothing from Sousuke.

 

* * *

 

Rin had come at the very last minute, stretching out his time with Sousuke as long as he could, so it took over two weeks of trying to figure out where his classes were and how to fit in his regular workouts along with swim practices before he finally felt settled in. All his clothes were now packed away in his closet. He could get to all his classes without having to look up the locations on his phone anymore. And he’d figured out which name belonged to who in Ethan’s group of friends who had invited him out again to a new superhero movie on Saturday night.

He no longer had to keep his phone turned over so he wouldn’t be tempted to check the screen for new texts every five seconds, even if his heart still jumped every time he felt it vibrate.

“We’re going to Jeanne’s dorm first to pick her up,” Ethan said as he, Rin, and Kevin walked out of the locker room.

“Which theater are we going to?” Kevin asked. “You driving, mate?”

“Yeah, I can drive.” Ethan shrugged. “I don’t know the place--the girls picked it out. Do you guys want dinner first?”

Rin felt his phone buzz through his jean pockets and fished it out. It was a new message from Makoto.

He opened it to a picture snapped in a restaurant somewhere with Makoto, Haru, and Gou sitting on one side of a table. On the other side were Nagisa, Rei, and Sousuke. Sousuke was leaning in toward Gou, and an iced coffee and a plate of half-eaten tonkatsu sat in front of him.

“We’re hanging out with Sousuke today,” Makoto had texted him underneath the picture. “He seems to be doing well. Haru has his first meet next week. Hope you are adjusting to Australia!”

Makoto’s head was unusually large in the photo so he’d obviously been the one taking the selfie. The more Rin stared at the picture, the hotter he felt. Sousuke never mentioned plans to hang out with the Iwatobi gang. Even when Rin had been in Tokyo, they’d only gone out with Makoto and Haru a handful of times, and Sousuke always had to lose at janken for him to agree to go. Rin hadn’t even gotten a reply from Sousuke saying he was glad Rin was safe or anything. And he was there, drinking his iced coffee between Gou and Rei, and he was smiling in that picture. It wasn’t a full-blown, wide smile like the one Makoto or Nagisa had, but a small upward quirk of his lip. He was smiling and Rin wasn’t there.

“Rin? You want food?”

Rin jerked up at the sound of Ethan’s voice, and then looked back down at his phone. He didn’t have an appetite. “Actually, I don’t think I’m coming tonight,” he said.

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, just some personal stuff,” Rin said, gesturing with his phone. He smiled. “You guys have fun.”

Ethan shrugged. “Okay, you know our numbers if you change your mind.”

Rin nodded.

He found Sousuke’s name in his phone, so far down on the list of messages that he had to scroll to find it.

“I’m still waiting for you,” he typed.

His finger hovered over the send button.

The last text on the screen had been his own, telling Sousuke he’d arrived safely dated 5:37 PM almost three weeks ago.

Rin shoved his phone back in his pocket.

The next weekend, when Ethan invited him to go clubbing, he accepted.

 

* * *

 

When Rin was in elementary school, he remembered sitting in class next to Sousuke and listening to their teacher read a fairytale to them.

It was a story about a fish princess who took off her shimmering scales and became a human to dance on the shore one night, because the moonlight was so pretty and the land so welcoming. A fisherman passing by saw her and fell in love with her. He called out to her, and although she was afraid at first, she let him approach.

From then on, every night, she would take off her fish skin and spend hours talking to the fisherman. She fell in love with him as well, but she was a fish and he was a human. One night, the fisherman came up with a plan and he stole her scales. Unable to change back, she agreed to marry him.

The fisherman hid her fish skin well, and for years, they lived happily and she gave birth to a beautiful boy. Still, every Saturday, she would ask the fisherman if he would give her back her scales, and every Saturday, he would check that they were still hidden well. Then one week, when her son was old enough to walk, he followed his father when he went to check the hiding place. When the son returned, he told his mother that he’d seen a strange sight--his father had gone to a rock by the cliff overlooking the sea, and under it, he’d pulled out a tattered old fish skin.

That night, the fish princess went to the hiding place and retrieved her skin. She put it back on, and returned to the sea, and she was never seen again.

Rin remembered clutching Sousuke’s hand and then kicking him in the ankles when Sousuke teased him about crying.

“Why are you even crying?” Sousuke asked.

“Because fairytales are supposed to have happy endings,” Rin sniffled. “If she loved them, why didn’t she stay?”

Sousuke appeared to think for a moment. “Cause she’s a grown up and grown ups have other things they have to think about,” he said.

“Like what?” Rin asked, letting Sousuke absently pat him on the head.

Sousuke shrugged. “I dunno. Grown up stuff,” he said and shot him a grin. “You’ll understand when you’re older, Rin-Rin.”

Rin kicked him again. “You’re the same age as me!” he said and forgot all about it as he chased Sousuke around the room, laughing, until the teacher scolded them and made them sit down again.

Then he grew up, and learned that swimming professionally required as much luck as hard training, and sometimes, shoulders couldn’t be fixed no matter how badly he wanted it.

 

* * *

 

While Sousuke wasn’t exactly Haru’s breed of extreme introvert, he definitely preferred keeping to himself and didn’t care whether or not they ever went out, so it had been a long time since the last time Rin had gone to a club.

This one seemed to be popular with students on the weekends, because Rin recognized half a dozen classmates in the queue outside. Inside, the music was so loud he could feel it in his bones, and flashing lights threw everything off-focus. He could smell the sweat even with the chill of winter seeping through the doors.

A few tequila shots later, he found himself on the dance floor, hands around Ellie’s waist. She was wearing a truly spectacular dress that shimmered all over and had no back at all, which Rin objectively appreciated. Her blue eyes sparkled under the smoky rim of her eyeshadow, and she turned to put her arms on his shoulders. She was toned, one of the surfers of the group, but when she leaned in close, he automatically took a step back.

She frowned. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I have...I have someone back home,” Rin found himself blurting out.

“Oh,” she paused and shrugged. “You should have said something earlier.” And then she was back to dancing like nothing had happened.

Rin couldn’t stop thinking about it, though, and a few minutes later, he escaped to the toilet and fished his phone from his pocket.

He found Sousuke’s name in it, and his unsent text was still there from two weeks ago. Rin shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he pressed the send button, shoved the phone back in his pocket, and headed back to the dance floor.

He checked to see that his phone wasn’t on silent three minutes later. He checked to see it was on vibrate mode ten minutes later. Then Rin promised himself he wouldn’t look at it until he got home that night.

He walked out of the club at 2 AM and took a taxi home. Russell and Lori had left the porch lights on for him, and as he walked up the steps, he finally let himself pull out his phone.

There was a new message and he swiped it open.

On his screen, he saw his own: “I’m still waiting for you.”

He sat down on the steps, leaning against the railing and pressed the heel of his hand into his cheek as he stared at the one word beneath it.

“Don’t.”

 

* * *

 

He didn’t hear from Sousuke again for another three weeks.

The only time they’d ever stopped talking for so long was Rin’s fault when he’d moved to Australia the first time. When he stopped being able to swim, he’d stopped being able to speak. He wondered if it was the same with Sousuke.

He began a new routine. Every morning, he’d wake up, check his phone and scroll down to Sousuke’s name where there would be no new messages. Then he’d wash his face, brush his teeth, and go jogging for an hour before he headed back for a shower. He’d check his phone again after breakfast. Then he’d go to classes. Check his phone during lunch. Go to swim practice for the rest of the afternoon. Check his phone before he showered. Go to dinner. Check his phone. Do homework. Check his phone, and then tuck it beneath his pillow before he went to sleep.

Every day, Sousuke’s name moved further down on his message list.

Twice, he nearly swiped left to delete Sousuke’s contact, but every time he was about to press the red button, he’d shut his phone down instead.

Eventually, Lori asked him about it.

“So who is this you keep waiting for messages from?” she asked one day when he was helping her stack dishes into the dishwasher after dinner.

Rin startled so badly he nearly dropped the dish he was rinsing. “Who?” he echoed.

“You check your phone at least five times at dinner every day,” Lori said. “Is this someone new?” She looked at him. “Or the young man you left in Japan?”

She and Russell had taken him in again despite the trouble he’d given them the last time around, so even though he didn’t want to talk about it, he did. “It’s...I’ve told you about Sousuke before,” he said and rinsed another cup to hand to her.

“Oh, your best friend from elementary school.” Lori brightened, stacking the cup into the washer.

“He messed up his shoulder,” Rin said, picking up another cup. He exhaled. “For me.”

“Rin…”

“I pushed him into swimming to begin with, and then I just left him to go to Iwatobi,” Rin said. “He came back to Samezuka to swim with me, and I was his captain, and I never noticed his injury. I was so excited that he’d gotten so good--he has the most amazing fly stroke you’ll ever see, Lori.” He could still remember seeing Sousuke swim for the first time in years. The powerful roll of his shoulders as he lifted himself out of the water and sailed. “He was in the top ten nationally ranked swimmers--” The cup in his hand slipped, but he caught it again. “Now he might never swim again.”

Lori took the cup from him and shut off the water. “At certain points in our lives, we all face difficult decisions,” she said. “If what you say is true, it’s not the end of the world,” she said and patted him on the hand with her own damp one. “There are other ways he can be involved even without swimming. You’ll need your own coaches soon, maybe a manager once the real competition starts.”

Rin shook his head. “It’s not the same,” he said. “I can’t ask him to do that.”

Lori was watching him the way Sousuke did sometimes, like there were so many things he wanted to say but couldn’t--wouldn’t. “What are you afraid of?” she asked.

Because as logical as it was, Rin couldn’t make decisions like that for Sousuke no matter how much he wanted him there. When they had both been a part of the Sano swim team back in sixth grade, they had made a pack to go pro together. Rin remembered watching the Olympics on television with Sousuke, eyes wide as the swimmers dove into the water and sped down the pool lanes.

“That’ll be us one day,” Sousuke said, leaning back once the commentary began. “You and me. We’ll get Japan the gold.”

“Pinky swear?” Rin said, holding up his hand.

Sousuke had turned and grinned. “Yeah.” He hooked his pinky around Rin’s own.

Then Rin had gotten greedy. He wanted his father’s relay, but they weren’t good enough to win. He was twelve when Sousuke said they shouldn’t swim together anymore. That night, they’d gone home separately, and when Gou had asked him to watch a romance movie with her, he agreed. The movie didn’t end happily--the man died and the woman was left alone, and through all the tears she shed, Rin thought she couldn’t feel worse than he did that day. So instead of staying, waiting for Sousuke to understand, Rin left.

When Sousuke had transferred to Samezuka and suddenly wanted to swim relay with Rin, Rin thought it was a second chance. It turned out that Sousuke was giving up is dream for Rin’s. If Sousuke never got it back. If he had to watch Rin swim every day, closer and closer to what had once been both their dreams.

“I don’t want him to hate me,” Rin whispered, and let Lori pull him down into a hug and wrap her arms around him like he was a small child, rubbing his back.

“It’ll be okay,” Lori said gently. “It’ll be okay.”

 

* * *

 

They began training in earnest for their first meet, and Rin started cutting out social time because all he wanted to do was collapse into bed as soon as he got home, and he had to study for midterms coming up soon. His days felt like a blur of workouts, training, classes, homework, and sleep, but he beat out his competition in the first match by an entire two seconds, so he considered it all a worthy sacrifice.

“We’re all going to celebrate at Outback after!” Ethan said as they all headed for the locker room. “You coming?”

“Yeah, sure,” Rin said. It had been a few weeks since the last time he’d gone out with anyone, but he was pretty sure Ethan had also complained about Jeanne being annoyed at him for cancelling at least two dates in the last few weeks.

He showered quickly, planning to text the results of the meet to Russell and Lori, when he saw he’d gotten gotten a string of messages from a group text that Makoto had apparently sent out to everyone.

Makoto: Has anyone seen Haru? He wasn’t in his apartment when I went to get him this morning.  
Nagisa: Is he at school?  
Makoto: He doesn’t have classes or practice today. I checked the pool and he isn’t there either.  
Rei: I haven’t heard from him. Why don’t you just wait. He’ll probably come back with a pound of mackerel or something.  
Makoto: No, w  
Makoto: We argued last night. I thought he went home.  
Gou: I’ll check at school.  
Gou: No one has seen anyone who looks like Haru here today.  
Makoto: Can you please check the ITSC?  
Gou: Sasabe-san hasn’t seen him.  
Sousuke: I haven’t seen him.  
Makoto: Okay, thanks, everybody. Please let me know if you hear from him!

Rin swallowed hard just seeing Sousuke’s name on that screen.

“Haru is missing?” he typed in.

A moment later, he got a reply.

Makoto: Sorry, I accidentally added you to the group chat. We’ll look for him. I’ll let you know as soon as we’ve found him.  
Rin: What did you argue about?  
Makoto: It doesn’t have to do with swimming.  
Rin: Should I fly back? I can book a ticket.

He felt a surge of adrenaline even though he was physically exhausted from the meet. He could look for last minute deals and see if he could get a flight back. He’d call Sousuke to pick him up. They could go look for Haru together. And he was ashamed his first thought was to see Sousuke when Haru had gone missing.

Makoto: I’ll keep you updated.

Rin went to dinner distracted, and Jeanne asked him three times why he kept checking his phone. It seemed the gang had spread out to look for Haru. Gou, Rei, and Nagisa had gone to both Makoto and Haru’s houses, and then the beach, every pool they could find in the little town including both Iwatobi and Samezuka, but no one had heard from Haru. It seemed they’d gotten Sasabe to drive them around hunting for him, but they even combed the entire beach and he wasn’t there. In Tokyo, Makoto and Sousuke, apparently friends now, had also spread out to every pool of water and/or shop stocking swimwear.

Sousuke: Not at the High Speed shop in Asakusa.  
Makoto: Thanks, can you check the Sports ZERO in Ueno?  
Sousuke: Ok

And every time he saw a text from Sousuke--even though it was meant for the group--Rin felt his heart speed up. Sousuke was a terrible texter. He preferred talking about things in person, so anytime Rin tried to keep up a conversation with him via text, Sousuke gave him short answers if he answered at all. The only things he was guaranteed to reply to were urgent messages.

Reading the messages he typed to Makoto wasn’t like hearing Sousuke talk at all. The low cadence of his voice, the way his brow relaxed when he looked at Rin sometimes, his bright laugh when he was really happy or amused.

When Rin went to bed that night, Sousuke and Makoto were still texting back and forth and running through every restaurant that sold mackerel at all now.

At three in the morning, he got a call from Gou.

“Sorry for waking you,” Gou said, her voice fuzzy over the phone. “I thought you’d just like to know they found Haru.”

Rin sat up in his bed. “Where was he?” he asked.

He never stayed up this late since he had to get up so early in the mornings, and it was eerily quiet at this time of night. He fumbled at the nightstand to switch on the lamp, and squinted until his eyes adjusted.

“He went back to Makoto’s apartment,” she said.

“Wait what?” Rin asked. “Don’t they live together?”

“No--what?” Gou said. “They’ve been living in separate apartments since they got to Tokyo. What are you talking about?”

Rin blinked. “The perfect married couple in separate apartments?”

He heard Gou exhale loudly. “You’re such an idiot, onii-chan,” she said. “If you stopped to think about anyone other than yourself every once in awhile, you’d know Makoto and Haru have been struggling the whole year.”

Rin felt very out of his depth now. As far as he’d ever seen, Makoto and Haru had been attached at the hip since he’d met them. He had seen actual married couples act less married than Makoto and Haru with the way they doted on each other.

“They’ve--you know Haru didn’t want to go to the same school as Makoto in Tokyo, right? But that’s the swimming program that he was scouted for. He tried to get his own apartment, but Makoto talked him into getting one next to him so he could make sure he’s all right, while Makoto’s also working two part time jobs and going to school full-time just to pay the expenses,” Gou said all at once. “Haru’s been trying to be less dependent even if Makoto doesn’t mind, and they’ve argued about it several times.”

Rin had honestly never seen Haru or Makoto argue with one another ever.

“There’s no such thing as a perfect couple, you idiot,” Gou said. “Not everything is a Hollywood movie so stop comparing yourself to them and figure things out with Sousuke.”

Rin sighed. “It’s not that simple,” he said.

In his room, the lamp and moonlight threw shadows on the walls from his bed, the row of his shoes lined by the door, the three pictures he’d brought back from Japan. One was a group photo of himself and his four Iwatobi friends. The second was one of his Samezuka team. The third was a simple photograph of Sousuke.

It had been taken just a little after Sousuke came to Samezuka and they had started rooming together, going to class and swim practice together, and slipping right back into their old, natural habits being around each other. At some point, Nitori had been asked to take photographs of students on campus for some school catalogue or other. It hadn’t been until Sousuke kissed him for the first time, far after they’d started this relationship, that Nitori gave this particular photo to Rin.

In the photo, Rin wasn’t even sure what he was doing, but at the edge of the picture, he could see his own red hair and a glimpse of his ear. The majority of the photo was Sousuke’s face turned toward him, a beautiful, soft smile on his face and such a look of raw affection that Rin still blushed when he looked at it sometimes.

He couldn’t see the way other people saw Sousuke looking at him. He wasn’t sure what kind of expression Sousuke wore when he looked at him now.

“Because you’re making them complicated,” Gou snapped. “If you love him, then work it out.”

“You’re right! Life isn’t a Hollywood movie, Gou. Love doesn’t magically fix everything,” Rin snapped back. “I wish it did, but it doesn’t.”

Rin understood best. He’d gone through it two years ago in this very place. When swimming was your life, the thing that made you feel like you were exactly where you belonged, nothing could fix having it taken away. If Sousuke hadn’t been injured, if he could still swim, he would be here with Rin now. But he had been injured, and nothing Rin said could change that.

He heard a sharp inhale on the other end of the line. “It’s late. I’m going to bed. I just thought you’d want to know Haru is safe.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Rin said. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

He drew his knees up to his chest beneath the blankets, and dropped his head onto them. He felt warm in Sousuke’s sweater, but it didn’t smell like the same detergent anymore. He was swimming on a team, but when he dove in the pool, he didn’t see the familiar, powerful shoulders cleaving into the water like he was used to. The texts didn’t sound like Sousuke’s deep voice.

He lifted his head and picked up his phone again. He pressed the contact name his eyes inadvertently scanned for every time he opened it.

He hugged his knees to his chest and waited as it rang--once, twice.

He heard the click and static of the room on the other side when it was picked up. “Rin?” Sousuke’s voice was as husky with sleep.

Rin shoved his fist up to his mouth even as the shadows in his room blurred in front of him.

“Rin?” Sousuke repeated, and then more urgently. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I--I miss you,” Rin said and hated how his voice caught and wobbled. “I miss you, Sou.”

He could hear the familiar hum of air conditioning in the background and Sousuke’s sigh. “Don’t cry, Rin,” he said, gentle.

“Please come, Sou. I’m waiting,” he said.

He heard Sousuke’s quiet exhale. “I can’t,” he said. “Not the way you want me to.”

“Please.”

Rin couldn’t help the hiccup of a sob that escaped. He could imagine his smile, the gentle curve of his eyes and dark eyelashes. The rough pads of his thumbs on Rin’s hipbones, the broad spread of his shoulders beneath Rin’s hands, the smell of soap and aftershave on his skin.

But on the phone, all he could do was listen to the sound of Sousuke’s breathing 8,000 kilometers away.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

When Rin’s breathing had evened out and Sousuke knew he’d fallen asleep, he finally made himself hang up. He swallowed hard, staring down at his phone until the screen went black. He glanced down at the pool, black as night sky above, and stepped back in from the balcony. He slid the glass door shut behind him.

“God fucking damnit!” Sousuke swore and drove his fist into the wall.

The plaster dented in right by the glass.

He slid to the ground and and tried to press the heels of his hands into his eyes. His left arm cooperated. The brace wouldn’t stretch far enough on his right.

 

* * *

 

It took three more months before his doctor said Sousuke could stop wearing the brace on a daily basis.

“Your shoulder has healed well, but you’ll want to be careful still,” the doctor said. “You can start wearing a less bulky brace--any one of the ones they sell at sports stores or drugstores should be fine. You should also be able to start more strenuous exercises to rebuild muscle and flexibility now too.”

Sousuke nodded, rolling his shoulders experimentally. It felt stiff, but no longer flared with pain when he moved it. The scar from the surgery was just a pale line on his skin now.

“How are classes going?” the doctor asked.

“Good,” Sousuke said.

“I have a request,” the doctor said, and Sousuke looked back at him. “You’ve had a remarkable recovery since the surgery. Most patients don’t have as much mobility at such a fast rate,” he said.

Sousuke raised an eyebrow.

“I have a new patient who just started coming to the rehab center,” the doctor said. “He’s a 12-year-old, Takamura Daichi, who injured his shoulder playing baseball. Would you talk to him?”

Sousuke blinked. “What?”

“He thinks he’ll never play baseball again and he refuses to go to physiotherapy,” the doctor said and smiled. “If you show him how well your shoulder has recovered, I think it’ll encourage him.”

“I haven’t been in a pool for months,” Sousuke said.

“You don’t have to agree,” the doctor said. “But even his parents can’t convince him to go in for therapy. Just think about it--let me know what you decide when you come in next week.”

Sousuke sighed. “I’ll think about it,” he agreed and turned to leave.

“Sousuke,” the doctor said. “When I said you could exercise more now, I meant swimming too.”

 

* * *

 

Ever since Sousuke had helped Makoto search the entirety of Tokyo for Nanase, apparently they had both decided he was now a firm member of their group of friends and insisted on inviting him out once a week. Specifically, Makoto would ask him to join he and Nanase on some outing or other, and Nanase stopped looking uncomfortable when Sousuke did come.

This week, it was a small cafe in a department store in Ikebukuro, and the pair were already sharing a parfait when Sousuke arrived.

Nanase was first to notice him and gave him a short nod of acknowledgement when Sousuke pulled out the chair across from them and sat.

“Sousuke!” Makoto said. “The parfaits are half off today if you want one.”

The monstrosity that they were eating was in a cup so large that it obscured half of Makoto’s face, and was covered in an obscene amount of chocolate, whipped cream, and nuts. It gave Sousuke a toothache just looking at it.

“I already ordered an iced coffee,” Sousuke said.

“How has your week been?” Makoto asked and dug back into the parfait. “Is physio going well?”

“Fine,” Sousuke answered. “I can take the brace off now--”

“That’s great news, right, Haru?” Makoto said, turning to Nanase who gave a short nod.

“You can swim again,” Nanase said.

“I can switch to a smaller brace,” Sousuke said. “I still can’t strain it.”

“But it’s a start,” Makoto said. “Have you talked to Sasabe-san yet?” Makoto brought it up every time they met.

“There’s no point,” Sousuke said. “I still can’t swim.”

“You can just talk to him,” Makoto said. “You have years of experience more than most coaches--most swimmers, even.”

“I’m not going to be a coach who can’t swim himself,” Sousuke said. The waitress brought him the iced coffee, and he took a sip.

Makoto sighed and dug another scoop out of his parfait. “How are things at your internship then?” he asked.

Because his father had offered it, Sousuke had begun interning at High Speed Inc. as more or less an assistant to his father. He’d been offered a role in the design department, but Sousuke had no interest in designing swim equipment--just in using it--so now he assisted going over reports and figures, prepping for meetings, and recently, he’d been given the task of putting together numbers for a new swimsuit design launch campaign that would be released in the early spring in preparation for the summer.

“It’s fine,” Sousuke said. He was decent at it, anyway. “How did the match go?” he changed the subject, turning to Nanase.

“Okay,” Nanase said in the same monotone he nearly always did. The only time Sousuke had really seen him completely lose control was the night they’d found him curled up in front of Makoto’s apartment door at 2 in the morning when Sousuke had finally talked Makoto into going home.

For that matter, it was the first time he’d seen Makoto lose his cool too. A lot of shouting had been involved, and Sousuke had left them in the middle of it when it looked like it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, and texted the rest of the group to let them know Nanase had been found. Apparently, it had been an argument festering for awhile now--he’d never entirely figured out what the problem was, but a week later, Nanase broke the lease on his apartment and moved in with Makoto so he assumed they’d sorted it out.

“Haru-chan came in first,” Makoto said and turned to Nanase with such a look of adoration that it was nauseating.

“Drop the chan,” Nanase said, but it sounded like he said it out of habit now. “Rin did well in his race last week too,” he added.

“I know,” Sousuke said. College swimming wasn’t exactly a popular spectator sport, but since High Speed Inc. specialized in swimwear, they paid quite a lot to get channels from all over the world to study swimmers. One of the reasons Sousuke had decided to take the internship in the first place was that it gave him access to the television lounge, and he could record every match that Rin swam.

“Oh that reminds me. Haru and I are going back to Iwatobi next month to watch them at the regionals,” Makoto said. “Would you like to come? Samezuka will be there too. I’m sure everyone would like to see you.”

It had been some time since Sousuke had heard from Nitori or Mikoshiba. “I’ll think about it,” he said.

 

* * *

 

Ever since entering swim season, Rin had been competing every week, so every Friday morning, Sousuke got to High Speed Inc. before work hours to set record on the matches. And he spent every Friday night in the video room after-hours watching them.

Most broadcasts were recorded from above where every swimmer looked the same after donning swim caps and goggles. Sousuke could still pick Rin out of the lineup within seconds every time. His form, the build of his body, the way he moved through water, all of it was too familiar.

Some days, Rin did better than others.

This week, Rin carved through the water like a fish, sweeping down his lane, executing a perfect flip, and hit the wall milliseconds before the second swimmer.

“Matsuoka: 1” flashed red on the screen, and Sousuke watched as Rin pulled himself out of the pool, pulling off the cap and letting his red hair loose. He looked up at the scoreboard, and although the camera was too far for a good angle, Sousuke could see the grin on Rin’s face before his coaches and teammates came to congratulate him. A few minutes later, he watched Rin pick up the cell phone he’d left on a bench and type something in.

The recording was from 9 hours ago, but the text was still on Sousuke’s screen. It was the same one Rin had started sending him after every race now.

“I’m still waiting.”

There was a whole row of them now stretching past Sousuke’s screen--each one dated a week apart.

Sousuke leaned back on the couch and rewound the segment. He watched Rin dive in the pool again, turn, and fly down the lane to touch the wall first. Then he watched it again, and again, until the sky outside was completely dark and only the television screen and the artificial blue of the pool water illuminated the room.

 

* * *

 

The first time Sousuke raced against Rin after five years, he’d been determined to get onto the relay team. Even when they were kids, Sousuke had always loved racing against Rin--there was a thrill to the challenge, and an even bigger reward if he touched the wall first because Rin would sulk and complain, and then declare he’d win the next time. There would always be a next time, and there always had been up until they lost that the first relay when they were twelve.

Sousuke could still remember the look on Rin’s face--his wide eyes, glassy, when Sousuke said he didn’t think they should swim together anymore.

He never thought Rin would leave, though.

It took five more years and his shoulder giving out before Sousuke laid down his pride and returned to Samezuka to figure out the meaning behind the relay--the thing that Rin had held more important than Sousuke.

Returning to water with Rin by his side was coming home. The rush was the same. The burn of his lungs, the wet slap of water on skin, the bubbles streaming past his face. He’d surfaced triumphant during their late night race, but this time, Rin wasn’t sulking or complaining. He’d stood there, chest-deep in water with his hair wet, skin flushed, eyes shining, and a smile on his face just staring at Sousuke like he was searching, hoping for something.

Sousuke thought that might have been when he realized, finally, where he belonged.

 

* * *

 

He agreed to talk to Takamura Daichi.

“I don’t think it’ll do any good,” Sousuke warned the doctor, but the man just beamed at him.

“Wonderful! He has the appointment after you--I’ll see if he’s here,” he said and left the room.

Sousuke sighed and rolled his shoulders. His right shoulder felt lighter now that he didn’t have to wear a brace all the time, but it felt like he had to readjust his balance again without the heavy weight.

The doctor came back and led him to a different room where he saw a small, skinny boy dressed in hospital scrubs, sitting on the bench.

“Who’re you?” The boy scowled at both Sousuke and the doctor.

“Daichi-kun, this is Yamazaki-san,” the doctor said. “He’s in the top ten nationally ranked butterfly swimmers.”

Daichi’s eyes widened. “Really?” he asked.

Sousuke shot the doctor a glare, because while that might have been true a year ago, it certainly wasn’t anymore. “Yeah, kid,” Sousuke said.

“So what are you doing here then?” Daichi asked.

“He had a torn rotator cuff, just like yours, Daichi-kun,” the doctor said. “But look at how well Yamazaki-san is recovering. He goes to physical therapy four times a week.”

“I hate physical therapy,” Daichi said and kicked his feet where they swung off the bench. “It hurts.”

Sousuke sighed. “You like playing baseball, don’t you, twerp?”

“I’m not a twerp,” Daichi said, pouting. “Anyway, I can’t swing a bat. I can’t even throw!”

“It will heal if you just give it time,” the doctor said. “And keep going to therapy. Just look at Yamazaki-san--he had his surgery less than a year ago, and he’s already ready to go back to swimming.”

“Really?” Daichi asked.

Sousuke glared at the doctor.

“But he goes to physical therapy four times a week, and Yamazaki-san has never missed an appointment,” the doctor said, ignoring Sousuke’s look . “He doesn’t even need to wear a brace anymore.”

“You think I could play on the team next season?” Daichi turned toward Sousuke instead of the doctor, and looked so hopeful that Sousuke found it difficult to deny him.

“Probably not as soon as next season,” Sousuke said and ruffled the kid’s thick black hair. “But maybe by the season after,” he said, stepping back and absently rolling his shoulder. “If you listen to the doctor,” he added because that was the point.

The kid gave an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. Can you help me with it?” he asked. He hopped off the bench, stared hopefully up at Sousuke, and then proceeded to spread his feet apart and square his shoulders. It took Sousuke a moment to realize the kid was imitating his stance.

“Uh, I’m not a physical therapist, kid,” Sousuke said.

The kid imitated rolling his shoulder and winced, and it took all of Sousuke’s self-control not to snort.

“No, but Yamazaki-san could go with you and your therapist if you want,” the doctor said. “If Yamazaki-san has the time?”

Sousuke knew what the doctor was doing. “I still have school and my internship,” he said.

“Please?” Daichi begged. He vaguely reminded Sousuke of a miniature version of Mikoshiba. “I want to grow up as big as you!”

Sousuke didn’t have the heart to tell the kid that genetics didn’t weren’t exactly a pick-and-choose thing.

“How about once a week then,” the doctor suggested. “After your appointment with me on Thursdays, just shadow Daichi and his therapist for an hour.”

Cornered between Daichi and the doctor, Sousuke gave in. “Fine.”

“We can start next week,” the doctor said. “I’m going to walk Yamazaki-san out now. I’ll be right back, Daichi.”

“Okay,” Daichi said, grinning from ear to ear. “Bye, Yamazaki-san!”

“See you next week, kid,” Sousuke said and followed the doctor out.

In the hallway, Sousuke immediately turned to the doctor. “I didn’t say I wanted to go into physical therapy,” he said.

The doctor shrugged as he began walking down the hallway. “Your discipline and motivation could help a lot of people,” he said. “You’ve studied a lot on human physiology and you’re experienced--it wouldn’t be a bad field to go into. Just try a few weeks with Daichi and see how you like it.”

“Why are you helping me?” Sousuke asked, following him.

The doctor shook his head and smiled. “Don’t dismiss your potential before you’ve even tried, Yamazaki-san,” he said, an odd echo of Rin’s words all those months ago. “You’re a very talented, and more importantly--driven young man. Not many are willing to put in the time and hard work you do. I don’t want to see you waste it.”

Sousuke snorted. “Much good it did me except for screwing up my shoulder,” he said.

“Yamazaki-san,” the doctor said. “I meant it when I said you could swim again. It might take time and you’ll never have the kind of flexibility your shoulder used to, but--”

“If I can’t swim the way I did, I don’t want it at all!” Sousuke said.

Every relay he’d swum with Rin, they’d lost. Nanase was the one flying through water with Rin now. Rin was doing well in Australia this time. And all Sousuke had were dreams too big for his own body.

Rin had always been kind even as a child, so it had been so easy--when he saw Rin’s tears, his face red as he wept for Sousuke--to kiss him. Rin would stay with him forever, probably, if Sousuke asked him to.

For a whole year, ever since he saw Rin completely ruin his chances of being scouted at regionals just for Nanase, Sousuke felt a flare of green jealousy. But with his shoulder busted and dreams gone, Sousuke knew that if he wanted it, he would win the fight for Rin. Rin would tie himself to Sousuke forever just to make him happy in some small way because Sousuke now possessed not only his affection, but his pity.

But Sousuke and Rin had always been all-or-nothing men. As much as he wanted Rin, loved him, was willing to take what he could get for as long as it was offered, in the long run, day-in day-out wondering if Rin would have loved him if it wasn’t for his shoulder, wondering if he felt obligated, wondering if he was only with Sousuke out of consolation, never being equals--it would eat at him. Rin would learn to love him, of course, but Sousuke wanted it all. He wanted to be first choice. He wanted to be the end game. He wanted Rin to want to be with him--not tied to him by the broken tendons of his shoulder.

If he couldn’t be an equal, he’d rather not be anything at all, because for now, watching Rin’s races, seeing his texts, drinking up every tiny bit of Rin that he could get--for now, it took every ounce of self-control not to book the first ticket to Australia he could and wipe Rin’s tears away. But weeks of this, months of this, years of this--Rin swimming and Sousuke not--he was afraid that if he didn’t come to resent Rin, then Rin would come to resent him. For the relay he couldn’t win. For the shoulder he couldn’t fix. For tying Rin to a cripple when he could have so much better. Sousuke had survived the failure and the shoulder--he wasn’t sure he could survive the other.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke was a problem solver so he never got himself into anything he didn’t thoroughly research first. He crammed about a semester’s worth of accounting and stats into two weeks when his father offered him the internship just so he wouldn't feel out of his depth when he started. For Daichi’s physiotherapy, Sousuke spent every moment of free time he had at the library, reading up on biology and human musculature and medicine so he could understand the theory behind the therapy he’d been undergoing himself.

So when Daichi whined about how it hurt to do external rotations and how he absolutely refused to do any more, Sousuke could point out the infraspinatus and teres minor and posterior deltoid, and how those muscles helped Daichi’s bat swing, so if he wanted to hit any homeruns in the future, he’d better suck it up and do the exercise.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Daichi complained and kicked his ankles as Sousuke made him do his last sleeper stretches.

“Two more and you’re done for the day,” Sousuke said.

“I don’t want to!” Daichi said. “Can’t we just skip the last two?”

Sousuke rolled his eyes. “I’ll janken you for it,” he said.

Daichi turned and looked at him consideringly. “Janken?”

“You win, and you can stop now. If I win, you do four more,” Sousuke said.

“Okay, you’re on!” Daichi scrambled upright and bared his fist. “Rock..paper...scissors!”

Sousuke lightly tapped Daichi’s bared scissors with his fist. “I win. Get to it,” he said.

“Sousuke is the worst!” Daichi shouted, but he lay back down on his side and the physical therapist pushed down on his arm as Daichi winced.

“Not bad,” Sousuke said when Daichi finally finished and sat up.

“It hurts,” Daichi said.

“It has to hurt before it’ll get better,” Sousuke said and ruffled his hair. “Now go get changed,” he said.

“Will you be here next week?” Daichi asked. “I’m going to win janken next time!”

“We’ll see about that,” Sousuke said but waved back as Daichi left with the therapist.

Sousuke knew he had options. The internship was going well. Apparently, going into physical therapy wasn’t bad either. He’d coached Nitori and the other underclassmen before and that had also gone well. He could get a degree in whatever he wanted, and it would all be fine. He could make enough money to support himself.

But all he wanted to do was swim.

Logically, he knew that even if his shoulder had never been messed up and he went pro, all human bodies grew old at some point, and he would, eventually have to retire as an athlete and find something else.

The problem was the space between. The potential of never being able to even try. The eternal what if.

And that was a problem Sousuke didn’t know how to solve.

 

* * *

 

Less because of Makoto’s invitation and more because Gou insisted, two weeks later, Sousuke found himself on the bullet train en route to Iwatobi with Makoto and Nanase. Makoto had apparently had a long week because he passed out on Nanase’s shoulder about three minutes in, which left Sousuke more or less to deal with Nanase on his own.

Sousuke cleared his throat. “So...how are the two of you doing?” he said, feeling obligated to at least try.

“Fine,” Nanase said. “How is your shoulder?”

“Fine,” Sousuke said.

“Are you working out?” Nanase asked.

“Yeah. There’s physio and I go to the gym or jogging on days I don’t have it,” Sousuke said.

“Have you gone swimming?” Nanase asked.

“No,” Sousuke said.

There didn’t seem to be much point in saying anything else after that. He put in a pair of earbuds, and Nanase pulled out a notebook and began sketching.

By the time they’d gotten to Iwatobi, Sousuke was eager to be out of the train to stretch his legs. The one time he actively hated being tall was when he got cramped in planes or trains or buses or any other type of transportation that never seemed to understand that people over 180 cm existed.

Likewise, Makoto was stretching and yawning next to him, though Nanase looked completely unphased.

Gou had come to meet them at the station. “Hurry up! They’re already at the pool--I can’t believe you booked tickets this close to the race,” she said, grabbing Nanase by one hand, and Sousuke by the other, and began dragging them through the station and to the car where Ms. Amakata was already waiting.

Apparently, the regionals were being held at Samezuka this year, and the place was packed. He saw the window of their old homeroom and remembered the dumbstruck look on Rin’s face as he stared at Sousuke after he’d walked in that first day. There was the old walkway where Rin had dragged him out after class, and Rin would be cheesy enough to want to do their old handshake. They’d spent hours sitting on the steps afterward talking about how Sousuke had been scouted, how Rin was now the captain of the swim team, and it had been so easy to pretend like everything was exactly how it had been five years ago. He remembered the walk down to the natatorium where he and Rin had seen Nitori practicing late into the night, and then the two of them had raced so he could relay. He saw the copse of trees where he’d confessed to Rin about his shoulder and then kissed him to stop him crying, which had backfired because it only made Rin cry more. He saw the old dorm building where he’d spent living with Rin for nearly a year.

They walked into the natatorium, and Sousuke could smell the chlorine and feel the wet moisture in the air.

Then, before he knew it, he was being surrounded by his old Samezuka team.

“Yamazaki-senpai! Yamazaki-senpai! Are you here to watch us swim?” Mikoshiba shouted. “You’re not wearing a brace anymore! Is your shoulder better? Can you swim again?”

“Momo-kun, please give Yamazaki-senpai some space,” Nitori said.

The two young swimmers looked more or less the same as they had since the last time Sousuke had seen them months ago. Captaining hadn’t changed Nitori’s timidity, and Mikoshiba still had all the energy of a hyperactive puppy.

“I’m just here to watch you two and the new team today,” Sousuke said, ruffling both Mikoshiba and Nitori’s hair, and grinned at them. “So you better start stretching or you’ll never beat Iwatobi.”

Mikoshiba immediately sprinted back down the length of the pool and began stretching out with one of the other team members. Nitori, though, lingered.

“Is everything okay?” Sousuke asked.

“I…” Nitori fidgeted.

Sousuke sighed. “Do a few warmup laps,” he said. “I’ll watch you.”

“Yes sir!” Nitori said and beamed at him.

So Sousuke watched as he dove into the pool and swam breaststroke down the side lane, leisurely at first, and then faster. He was never going to be a world class swimmer the way Rin or Nanase were, but Nitori worked harder than anyone else, and took everything Sousuke told him to heart.

“Wait until you’ve gotten closer to the wall before you flip,” Sousuke said when Nitori resurfaced. “You’ll have a faster turn that way.” He took Nitori’s arm and bent it. “And when you’re swimming, bend your arms at this angle,” he said. “It’ll give you more push. Now try again.”

“Yes, senpai!” Nitori said and took off again. It took a few strokes for him to get it right, but by the time he got back again, he’d gotten the hang of it.

“Good job,” Sousuke said and Nitori went red. “You’ll do fine.”

“Th-thank you, senpai!” he stuttered.

“Now go prep your team,” Sousuke said and grinned at him. “They look up to you now, Nitori.”

Nitori stammered another thanks and then went off to join the rest of his teammates. Sousuke sat down on the bench by the sidelines and watched as Nitori gathered the team in a circle. He said something that made Mikoshiba cheer loudly and slap him on the back. He was no Rin, but Nitori made a good captain in his own way.

“You really would make a good coach,” Makoto said, sitting down next to Sousuke.

“You saw that?” Sousuke said.

“Yeah.” Makoto nodded.

When the race began, Sousuke watched as the swimmers dove into the water one by one, racing toward the end of the pool, and back again. This years teams were good, but he still remembered Rin and Nanase’s breakneck speeds, how it felt when he jumped off the starting block and the first touch of water to his fingertips. He remembered being the one to flip and turn in the water, to hit the wall and resurface to the cheers of his teammates. He hadn’t touched a pool in a year.

 

* * *

 

The first time Sousuke ever went to a pool, it was because Rin wouldn’t shut up until he did. It was about a month after they’d met, and they’d started walking home together and visiting one another’s houses to hang out. Rin was already a part of the school swim team and apparently, it was his favorite thing.

“Swimming isn’t that fun,” Sousuke said as they sat on his couch, playing the new racecar video game that Sousuke had gotten. “I like basketball or American football or soccer--at least you can win.”

“Swimming is the best!” Rin protested, turning his whole body with the controller as his red car made a turn. “And you race in swimming too, you know.”

“It still sounds boring,” Sousuke said. His car scraped by Rin’s and zoomed past the checkered finish line. “I win!” he cheered.

Rin flopped back on the couch, limbs sprawled to take up as much space as possible. “Not fair! I was ahead!” he complained and wiggled when Sousuke poked him in the side. He shifted until his head was pressed against Sousuke’s crossed legs and grinned up at him. “Please please please come swimming! Just once!”

“Can’t we just play soccer instead?” Sousuke asked and dug his fingers into Rin’s sides until he shrieked with laughter.

“Stop! Stop!” Rin gasped and collapsed into giggles again, grabbing at Sousuke’s hands.

Sousuke grinned and tickled until Rin’s thrashing nearly tipped him off the couch. “Whoa, watch out!” Sousuke said, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him more securely onto the couch.

He watched the rise and fall of Rin’s pink T-shirt as he caught his breath, still red-faced from laughing. His hair was a tousled mess where it was pressed up against Sousuke’s knee again. “You just don’t know cause you’ve never swam before,” Rin said and then grinned wider. “You probably don’t even know how to swim.”

“I do too,” Sousuke lied.

Rin beamed at him and Sousuke recognized the mischievous glint in his eye. “Then prove it.”

Sousuke heaved a sigh, and held out his fist, waiting until Rin bounced back up to begin the count. “Rock...paper...scissors!”

Rin won and all but tackled him in a hug. “You have to go to the pool with me! You can borrow my other pair of trunks if you don’t have any! And my other pair of goggles!” he said, dragging Sousuke off the couch. “Come on, let’s go!”

“Now?” Sousuke complained, but let Rin drag him out of the house.

They made a stop at Rin’s house for the swim trunks and goggles, and ran the whole way to the pool. Rin bounced the whole time and grabbed Sousuke by the hand and physically dragged him to the water once they were done changing. “Are you sure you know how to swim?” Rin asked and then dove right in.

Sousuke watched the graceful arch of his body, the curve of his fingertips, and the quiet splash as he hit water, and then Rin resurfaced, red hair plastered to his face. “Come in!” he said, treading water.

Sousuke remembered thinking how hard could it be right before he jumped in the water feet first, and sank straight to the bottom. Under the water, all sound was muted. He could see a myriad of colorful swimsuits and kicking legs, white tiles, drain slots, and he had one panicked moment where he couldn’t breath.

Then Rin was there next to him, hair floating around him in a red halo, a smile on his face, and Sousuke felt hands on his arms, dragging him back to the surface.

Sousuke clutched the sides of the pool and heaved for breath, and there was a small hand on his back, gently patting him.

“Are you okay?” Rin asked and rubbed his back some more, a small warm touch.

“Yeah,” Sousuke said, annoyed at how shaky he still sounded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Rin pressed his chin up on Sousuke’s shoulder where he was still hanging onto the side of the pool for dear life. “Don’t worry, Sousuke,” he said. “I’ll teach you to swim.”

Rin’s red hair was shoved up in a whorl by his goggles. His eyes were slightly pink from chlorine, and his skin was clammy from the cold water, but Sousuke had never seen such a beautiful, hopeful smile in his life.

“Okay,” Sousuke said.

 

* * *

 

After the relay, both Samezuka and Iwatobi wanted to go out to eat so Sousuke found himself surrounded on all sides by enthusiastic underclassmen asking for tips. Apparently, both he and Rin were legendary swimmers--rumors no doubt spread by Nitori and Mikoshiba, and everyone wanted tips on how to improve their styles and times.

“Yamazaki-senpai coached me all last year,” Nitori kept telling people. “He’s a great teacher!”

“Yamazaki-senpai, what about my backstroke?” Mikoshiba demanded, completely ignoring personal space to beam into his face. “My time improved, did you see?”

“It would improve more,” Sousuke said, spreading his elbows out and spearing another piece of tonkatsu with his chopsticks. “If you paid attention to where you’re going and stopped crashing into other lanes.”

“How is your shoulder?” Mikoshiba continued. “Can you swim yet?”

“I’m still doing physiotherapy,” Sousuke said.

By the time dinner was done and everyone had dispersed, Sousuke wanted nothing more than to get on the train and go home. He was actually looking forward to Nanase’s silence.

“That was good, wasn’t it?” Makoto said as the three of them walked down the street together.

“It was good to see everyone again,” Nanase agreed.

“Sousuke, do you mind if we make a stop before we go to the train station?” Makoto asked.

“Okay,” Sousuke said although he wanted to just get back to Tokyo.

He should have expected it when they ended up at the Iwatobi Swim Center, and it was still open.

“Sasabe-san,” Makoto said as soon as they walked in.

A bleach-haired man jumped up from behind the counter. “Makoto, Haru!” he said. “You’re back visiting?”

“We came to watch the relay,” Makoto said.

“Well, come in. How have you two been doing?” Sasabe asked.

They exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes until they got to the pool. At this time of night, it was lit up by the fluorescent lights inside the pool and the water glimmered blue.

“This is Yamazaki Sousuke, Sasabe-san,” Makoto finally introduced him. “He was ranked top ten in butterfly swimmers in the nation.”

Sasabe raised an eyebrow. “Nationally ranked, huh,” he said. “I used to be a pretty good swimmer myself.”

“I can’t swim anymore,” Sousuke said. “I injured my shoulder.”

“But he’s a really experienced swimmer so I thought maybe you could tell him what it’s like being a coach,” Makoto said quickly.

Sasabe blinked. “Well, sure, I guess--”

He was interrupted by a splash when Nanase dove into the water in the pair of jammers he’d apparently been wearing under his street clothes.

“Haru,” Makoto protested.

“You can keep talking,” Nanase said and started swimming.

“I mean, it’s a good job,” Sasabe said. “Particularly if you love swimming. You get to teach kids, even adults--how to swim if they’re beginners. Watching them when they start floating for the first time is the best.”

Nanase took easily laps, not particularly fast, down the pool and back. The bend of his limbs and torso in the water, the rippling blue off his skin. Rin swam with a fierce grace. Haru swam like he was the water, like resistance didn’t exist, like if he swam for long enough, he might dissolve into current itself.

He sped up then, racing down the pool and back, and even then, his form was perfect. There wasn’t a millimeter of excessive movement. The way he parted water, Sousuke could barely hear an echo of a splash.

The last time Sousuke was in a pool, his shoulder had been on fire and he couldn’t even remember how he crawled out in the end. The first time he had been in a pool, his lungs had burned and it had taken nearly ten minutes before he could make himself let go of the edge again. But in between, he remembered the rush right before he hit the water, the push of it beneath his arms, lifting him out into the air, and then welcoming him back down. He remembered shooting down the lane, the success when his feet hit the wall just right so he pulled off a perfect turn, the feel of tile beneath his fingers as he rose back up into air--the joy of using his body to the fullest extent it had been created. When he swam, he felt like he was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing.

Nanase resurfaced by the edge of the pool, his hair dark against his face.

“So if you have time, we can go watch a few of my coaching videos--”

Nanase looked up at Sousuke and met his eyes. They were a clear water blue. “You like swimming, don’t you?” he asked, interrupting Sasabe’s commentary.

“Yeah,” Sousuke said. It was one of the few times Nanase had actually initiated conversation with him.

“Then swim,” Nanase said.

Then swim.

“Easy for you to say,” Sousuke said and laughed, bitter.

He only wished swimming came as easily to him as it did for Nanase.

“If you love swimming, then swim,” Nanase repeated.

Sousuke felt a flare of heat inside him, a furnace long burning embers stoked to life. “What the hell do you know? I’ve been going to physical therapy for the past four years now,” he said.

“You can take the brace off,” Nanase said. “You can swim.”

He was vaguely aware that Makoto and Sasabe had stopped talking to stare at himself and Nanase now. “I had to go through surgery,” Sousuke snapped. “You never fully recover from that.”

His butterfly stroke had gotten him into the top ten nationally ranked swimmers category. He had the natural build and flexibility to give him a stroke that was inimitable. Even Rin hadn’t been able to beat him no matter how much training he put in. None of it meant anything anymore.

“Sousuke--”

Sousuke turned on Makoto. Years of frustration came pouring out--words he could never say to Rin because he’d cry--but now that they were out, he couldn’t seem to stop. “You think I don’t fucking know I could coach? I could be a physical therapist? I could go work for a swim company?” he shouted.

He knew they meant well--his father, the doctor, Makoto, Sasabe--they wanted to help him, but it would always be settling. He’d watched his former teammates swim all day. He’d seen them dive in water, resurface laughing, pull themselves reeking of chlorine into the showers. His voice reverberated off the ceiling, flooding the room in echoes.

“Yamazaki-kun, I know you’re frustrated--”

Sousuke ignored Sasabe and turned back to Nanase, treading water and watching him with no expression, which only stoked the fire more. “Do you know what it’s like watching from the sidelines--other people doing what you can never do again? To watch you and Rin reach for the international stage--which was our fucking dream--mine and Rin’s--and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it!” Sousuke shouted. “My shoulders will never be as flexible. I’ll never be able to compete. No amount of physical therapy or surgery is ever going to let me swim fly again!”

He could hear his own ragged breath. His ears flooded hot with the rush of his blood. His blunt fingernails were dug into his palms so hard it hurt.

Ever since the first time he had swam completely on his own--no boards or floats or Rin’s small hands holding his own--from one end of the pool to the other, he understood what Rin felt when he dove into water. But his own body had betrayed him.

He exhaled. “I’ll never swim fly again.”

Nanase looked at him and then raised his chin, his eyes meeting Sousuke’s in challenge. “Then swim free.”

Nanase took off swimming down the lane again, and this time, Sousuke ignored Sasabe and Makoto’s protests to strip off his own clothes down to his boxers and dove in after him.

He hit the surface just slightly off, out of practice for over a year now. The water was heated but still cool compared to the temperature of the room. He felt the pull of the water against him as his legs kicked, back into an old rhythm. And as he rose back up to the surface, he tilted his torso to the right and reached with his arm. His shoulder bent and stretched--not as much as it used to for the butterfly--but enough. Then he was back under and reaching with his other arm.

He felt the water rush by his face, the burn of it in his eyes from chlorine without his goggles, the familiar beat of breathing pumping air through his lungs. He reached the end of the lane and automatically reached for the edge to turn and flip. His knees bent, and he shot off the wall back toward the goal. It was a different rhythm than swimming fly, but he still flew through the water.

He touched the tiles and resurfaced.

Makoto and Sasabe were both gaping at him from the edge of the pool.

“How...how’s your shoulder?” Makoto asked after a moment.

Sousuke rolled his shoulder. It felt sore, but there was no piercing, burning pain. “It’s...fine,” he said.

He looked down at his own hands, lifting them up and watching the water run off the lines of his palms. He looked over at Nanase who had been watching him from the next lane. “Nanase…”

“Call me Haru,” Nanase said.

Sousuke laughed. “Haru,” he said.

Haru tilted his head. “I’ll race you freestyle to the end of the pool and back,” he said. The upward quirk of his lip was the closest thing Sousuke had ever seen to a smile on his face, and he thought maybe he understood a little of what Rin felt when he swam with Haru.

“You’re on,” Sousuke said.

Makoto extended one arm to him, and another to Haru to pull them both out of the water.

“Wait, Sousuke-kun, let me get you a pair of jammers from the shop,” Sasabe shouted, already running for the hallway. “You can’t race properly in boxers, kid!”

Five minutes later, Sousuke lined up on the starting board with Haru beside him. He wore a pair of brand new jammers.

“When the clock hits zero,” Haru said, laying out the terms of the race.

Sousuke watched as the second hand moved steadily toward the sixty-second mark.

“Ready?” Haru said and adjusted his goggles.

The clock struck starting-zero.

“You can do it, Sousuke! And Haru!” he heard Makoto cheer behind him. “Swim!”

He dove into the water, and for the first time in four years, Sousuke felt a weight lifted off his shoulders, and he was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need motivation to finish the last chapter omg...


End file.
